Thursday 21 April 2016

The motivational monkey

Rent control

Herr Krebbs our new German CFO “zent” me a text which read, “Frau Ramsbottom, we haf no money to pay vendors for anozer munts (month) zo our Accounts Payable people are not happy. Ja! Please engage zem. Danke. Herr Krebbs".

Herr Krebbs is very formal, and his sense of humor is, let us say, yet to be observed at work.

Because I am busy texting my sister Claire is going through another divorce, I asked young Hugh White, the straight white boy who heads my Diversity Department to tell me what’s going in Accounts Payable. Hugh gathered the big data and sent me an email highlighting 3 points.

1) The 7 employees who process invoices (an analytic Frenchman named Pierre , a dour German named Hans, a self righteous and argumentative Israeli named Ben, and 4 ladies named Svetlana ) agree that Herr Krebbs’ is a “royal pain in the ass”. Herr Krebbs scored 6 points, on a five point scale.

2) With no money to pay vendors, the staff often “pondered the future whilst searching the internet for a job”, or visited dating sites, or both.

3) All staff agreed that were it not for HR partnership, the company would be up shit’s creek, with no paddle.

I read Hugh’s timid and benign  update and realized that the effort I had invested in developing young Hugh’s talent is, like my Dad used to say,  “pissing into the wind”.

I have decided to hire a motivational monkey who will visit Accounts Payable at lunch time, and sang a ditty  detailing what happens to the non engaged. 
The blockchain-aligned monkey will hand out T shirts with the slogan, “We don’t pay, so go away”, as well as  lighten up the mood by reciting our growth strategy for 2027.
The motivational monkey belongs to my landlord’s agile son. Rumor has it that my rent is being lowered over the next six months, in line with my core values of sustainability via lowering rent, for the next six months.

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