Hedging big data

Big Data Hedge Fund

Our CFO, Mister Herr Krebbs, provided us quarterly data in a 88 slide ppt called "Concise Big Data-based Financial Package" in the senior management team quarterly business review. Herr Krebbs, ever so German, provides us with three truckloads of data. Ja! Gut. 

"Big data" is like a financial report, 100% hindsight", bellowed CEO Stan at Herr Krebbs. Stan ranted and raved about an increase in the cost of goods sold, as well as fines to the tune of $500,000 paid to customers due to late deliveries. Herr Krebbs remained silent and then muttered a few long words in German.

Then Stan turned to Carl, our chief nerd. "Comrade Carl, our product is too complex to make profit and your staff are a bunch of foreigners, waiting for their green cards. They believe that we will fire them if they finish the product, so they stall and tap dance all day! And what does this all mean, Comrade Carl? It means that you are as useless as tits on a bull, as a leader". 

I believe an OD consultant would call that constructive confrontation. My Dad would call it "getting the be-Jesus knocked out of you". Mom would say, "Pierre Elliot, don't cuss like that next to Gloria".

Comrade Carl, in response to Stan's "what do you have to say?" looked at me and said, "All this big data nonsense about the level of engagement being low is HR mumbo jumbo. Our staff is busting their balls, and our product is a pearl." Then Carl added, "what good is HR big data, unless it is futuristic, and hedged to the Greek drachma and Russian rubble?"

Stan, stunned by Comrade Carl's unfocused attack nevertheless asked me, "Gloria, do you hedge your HR big data to be more futuristic?"

Never one to be surprised, I texted my coach (who pumps gas and works as an agile coach) and provided an answer that Stan deemed, "very appropriate, Miss Lemieux."

The problem is that Stan pronounces Lemieux as Lye-Mex.

Green card enabled quality

Using graphology for recruitment purposes

121% validity in some cases

Our CEO's wife asked me how valid is graphology in recruitment? I smell a trap from a mile away so I asked dear Wifey "why perchance would you like my opinion?" This is line with my core value of feigned modesty.

Wifey told me that she had sent Stan's handwriting for analysis (without his knowing) and the analyst said that "the candidate should avoid managerial roles like the plague".

I told Wifey that unlike HR, graphology is  connerie (crap), but to make sure, I will send my handwriting and that of Chief Nerd Comrade Carl Marks for analysis. Wifey suggested, and I agreed, that we use the same analyst.

As far as Comrade Carl goes, the analyst concluded that "the candidate lives in a delusional world, yet is hugely charismatic. I believe the candidate could be a good commander in the Russian army, or lead a software group focused on Internet fo Things.  His English is perfect but he prefers swearing in Russian."

As far as my handwriting is concerned, the analyst claimed that "the candidate has feline political instincts suited to jungle warfare, HR or mid east politics, and has a character which is stronger than a brick shit house. The candidate is a cunning business partner, because she tends to trample on people. The candidate speaks good French, and is trying to acquire an English accent, to be posh".

After I read the graphologist reports, I branded them "classified big data" and then sent an email to Wifey.

Dear Wifey,

I am looking into the handwriting issue. Yet my mother's poor memory is a drain on me, so I will get back to you soon. I thank you for your compassion. BTW, astrology is far less expensive than graphology, and just as accurate.

A bientot,

Gloria

Wifey's memory is like my Moms. Grace a dieu. That's French.

Invented tradition

Coffee with Carl
Hebrew Translation 

Comrade Carl Marks invited me and CEO Stan to an all hands meeting with his big data and internet of things nerds in the Joseph Stalin Meeting Room.

In what was defined as a pep talk geared at better engagement, the comrade spoke about the massive success of our latest recent software releases, "which have hordes of happy users all over the world. No one matches our functionality and user interface experience. If the clients lack sophistication, it needs to be handled by Sales. So, keep up the good work, and if HR does not pay you properly, I will organize a union, kibinimat."

Stan whispered in my ear. "Gloria, are Comrade Carl's medications balanced?" I whispered back that I assume that they are, in line with my core values of  purveying good news. 

Carl's nerds texted and mumbled during his presentation, since few of them speak English. But when Carl finished, his nerds clapped their hands for 20 minutes and threw rice at him, which is a middle east tradition, I am told. 

Comrade Carl invited Stan and me to coffee after his all hands meeting. As we downed our cappuccinos, Stan told Carl that he was a bullshit artist saying "we never have had one positive comment from a client about our products in a decade. Your claim is spurious". (Stan's native language is English).

Comrade Carl looked at Stan and said, "Stan, you are a Yank with tunnel vision. Who gives a rats ass about reality? We need to instill an invented tradition. And HR is not sophisticated enough to do the job, so I am shouldering the responsibility, zenga zenga! Christ Stan, when will Gloria and her shabby HR team shape up!"

Invented tradition

Dozing off during management meetings-an email thread

A good HR manager leverages here and now

To: CEO Stan

From: Gloria

Dear Stan,

The fact that our bizarre chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks talks for 3 straight hours in every leadership meeting we have, and then falls sleep when other team members (including me) speak up, appears to me as disrespect towards your stellar leadership.

Perhaps this is the time for you to lead. I have received a wow, shocking benchmark (via Whatapp) about how an agile CEO should react when a member of the leadership team dozes off in a leadership meeting, so just click.

I know that you respect Kim Jon-Un (one) and as my Dad Pierre Elliot used to say, "he appears to have it right, again".

Ms Cynthia Axe is at your disposal, for the "axing".

Gloria

To: Comrade Carl

CC: Gloria

From: Stan

Comrade Carl, Gloria has some ideas about improving management meetings. Please read the email that she sent me,  meet with her, and then present a "joint" front with her about how to move ahead. Not the type of "joint" you smoke in the parking lot.

Stan

To Stan

CC Gloria

From Comrade Carl Marks

Gloria, When I doze off, I dream of a world with no HR.

Spasiba for your attention. Kibinimat,  all the ladies of HR can be replaced by IT and an "enter" button.

Carl

Backing his HR business partner

Internet of things, Big Data and Democracy

Snap elections 

Chief Nerd (VP R&D) Comrade Carl Marks called snap elections in his Big Data and IoT team. (IoT is "internet of things" which is hot stuff.).

As I parked my car in my reserved spot marked "Chief People Officer and HR business partner," I was greeted by a geek handing out an election flyer with the Comrade's picture with slogans in Ukrainian, Russian, Urdu, Hindi, Hebrew and Chinese, the languages of our engineers ( whose passports HR keeps in safe holding).

On the way to my office, next to CEO Stan's, I stopped by Comrade Carl's office. He was speaking on 3 cell phones and it he appeared he had overdosed on adrenaline. He was swearing in Russian and a huge pile of big data was on his desk. Behind his desk was a poster which read "HR is the running dog  走狗 of Management-Vote Comrade Carl".

"Gloria", he greeted me, "I called these elections due to the zenga zenga leadership campaign which was foisted upon me. Kibinimat, once I have the legitimization of my beloved people, we will see big change, not chicken shit HR change management geared at engagement, whatever the f-ck that means. We will run our release commitment process  like a real democracy, negotiating software release time lines at the ballot box."

Comrade Carl then explained that most of his nerds don't come from real democracies like Iraq, so "they appreciate elections all the more". 

Carl Marks (the comrade)  then told me that he had seen an email from Stan to me, asking me to cancel the elections because "Carl has flipped once again, because no one knows what internet of things really is." Comrade Carl added that CEO Stan may be executed by the masses, in line with our core value of focus on execution.

Carl said, "not only have I not flipped Ramsbottom, but YOU should call elections as well to see if anyone wants you as HR manager, kibinimat. Btw, I would vote for you because you have nice legs".

I remember that my late Dad Pierre Elliot told me that if you ever speak to the average voter, you understand the problems of democracy.

One vote, due to nice legs

HR functions are particularly vital

Miss Axe- A vital function

I got a call from my Mom (Constance) today. "Gloria, did you not tell me that you have an assistant named Miss Cynthia Axe? Heavens, she appeared on the CBC today in one of my favourite programs, All About People". 

Dear readers, CBC is the Canadian Broadcasting Authority. Unlike my worldly late father Pierre Elliot who watched the BBC and US channels, Mom watches the CBC.

"Gloria, I did not know that firing people can be such a science! Heavens, it appears to me to be a ghastly way to earn money. Miss Axe claims that she does the actual work, whilst her colleague, a Canadian girl named Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux, does all the propaganda and sloganeering". 

Btw, my Mom uses the word "heavens" quite a lot.

Mom continued, "Anyway my dear daughter, I am proud that you allow your staff to expose themselves on the media. This gives you publicity as well. Mind you, her dressing is rather scanty". 

Readers, I never told you that Mom repeats herself. So the next thing she said was, "Gloria, did you know I saw your assistant, the young Ms Axe, on the CBC today?"

Finally Mom said, I just adore the HR melody that the CBC played  as they introduced Ms Axe. I never knew "Manpower" was so vital.