Tuesday, 12 August 2014

Leadership does always mean consistency.

My team is so dysfunctional

In a rare meeting of great minds this morning, R&D chief Comrade Carl Marks, Hugh White (the white heterosexual boy who heads Diversity) and I met. 

The mindless Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement) is in Waterloo on "personal business" and thus did not attend. 

It appears that CEO Stan has issued some contradictory directions. Luckily for each us, we recorded Stan's orders on our smartphones. Comrade Carl uses an I-phone 6, Hugh White uses an old, decrepit Nokia, and I am a beta user of the nifty Blackberry Passport. (Beta is not a French word.)

Comrade Carl, Hugh White and I each listened to what Stan had said; this is big data, and suitable to be stored on a cloud.

Stan told Comrade Carl to "hire as many people are you need from any shit hole in the world to stabilize the god damned product".
Stan told Hugh White to "thin out the number of people with poor English from Comrade Carl's dismal team".
Stan told me to ensure that "headcount goes down by 10% a quarter from Comrade Carl's team, and ensure that Carl is taking his medication, so that he does not think he is Joseph Stalin".

At 11 am, Stan met with the three of us. We did not actually barge into his room. Stan was taking a leak when we entered his room and he appeared shocked to see us all sitting around his mahogany table when he returned.

Hugh White commented that Stan pisses twice an hour. Hugh believes this is a disability. Hugh is observant but irrelevant, as it were.

When Stan listened to the recordings of himself, he slammed his fist on the table and thrusting his finger toward us bellowing: 'strive for coherence, or you will all get the Axe".

Stan may have been referring to Cynthia Axe, who heads our Early Bird Retirement scheme.

A meeting of minds

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