Saturday, 24 May 2014

Squeeze the vendor till he chokes, in line with one of our core values.


This morning when I woke up I had an urgent text message from both Cynthia Axe and that hen pecked white heterosexual who runs Diversity, Hugh White; it appears that Comrade Carl Marks hired an OD consultant who is to begin work on Monday morning! Tabarnac.

I may not have mentioned it, but I dislike OD consultants more than I dislike anything else, except mid size data. Ciboire, HR business partnership excludes the need for OD, as anyone with half a brain knows.

Using my Blackberry 10, I texted CEO Stan and cced Comrade Carl, mentioning in "passing" that I had not signed off the consultant or his fees, which comes from my talent management budget. Stan apologized and told me to "interview him by Skype this weekend" whilst Carl sent me a curse in Russian, "youb tvoyu mat".

I interviewed this consultant and I had 3 "asks".

1) What is your detailed plan, hour by hour, of the entire project?
2) What questions are you going to ask whom, why, when and how?
3) How many seconds go by until you text me an update about who said what?

Based on the answers I received from the consultant, I sent his budget proposal to Sarah Barracuda from Procurement/Supply Chain.

Kindly kill this asap; this may be a good time for me to ok your daughter working for us this summer. Lets talk after you update me.
A bientot!
The vendor was pronounced dead at 1042, before he could reach Groote Schuur Hospital, which is a strange name.

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