Friday, 9 May 2014

CEO demands answer based on big data: Am I surrounded by the right people?


Une question difficile

At 05.59 this morning, just as I was catching up on email, I got a text from my CEO Stan: "Gloria, am I surrounded by the right people? Is our company built to last? Are we all aligned? Please send me big data asap."

When Wifey reads a management blog, she nags Stan to death. When I read this text message, I knew that Wifey had kept Stan awake all night, and not because of Wifey's sexual appetite, or lack thereof. (Stan once told Comrade Carl  Marks that Wifey "may have been born up there in Canada, in the Arctic Circle, where it is really cold").

I texted Stan and assured him that he is indeed surrounded by almost the best of best, certainly in HR. I mentioned to Stan that my ability to judge the quality of Comrade Carl Marks' staff is limited because none of  his engineers speak English, except one Scotch engineer who is incomprehensible and a White African engineer named de Villiers who is very introverted and doesn't say much about anything except big data.

Stan texted me back, "Wifey wants to know if you, Gloria, are surrounded by the right people".

Today, I plan to put on "corrective action" both Hugh White (the white heterosexual who runs Diversity) and Cynthia Axe (who runs our unpopular Early Bird Retirement Plan). 
They will have 3 days to shape up.
My only fear is that Hugh White's Russian born wife, Ludmilla, may beat Hugh up, and all that Diversity bs would be shifted to me.

I do not fear Ms Axe's reaction. She got a new I-phone and she will not quit so fast. Ms Axe knows that if she does quit, she would end up being a big data call-centre  attendant in the Faroe Islands.

To be on the safe side, every Thursday will be "talent management day". 










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