Sunday, 9 February 2014

Customer Experience Advocates

All in a name
Mais oui!
A front page article in a well read weekend magazine ranked the service provided by our firm as "worse than an American airline". Now that is non wow.

CEO Stan texted the article to me on Whats-app, BBM, and Google talk, and demanded corrective action "by the time we open for business on Monday". (I am surprised that Stan did not text the article to Comrade Carl Marks, the chief nerd who "owns the product")

At the time I got Stan's text, I was having a foot massage and pedicure. Lucky for me, the (pink) polish had already dried, and I texted Stan that the "service" problem was "water under the (Jacques Cartier) bridge". 

Here is the text that I sent to all customer service agents, presently serving our half cooked and undocumented product.

1) All customer service agents are called from today "customer experience advocates".

2) Upon servicing a call, answer: Hi, I'm (your name) from Immature Products. I will be your customer experience advocate today. How can I help you? (Emphasize the word "to-day", so they will feel in safe hands).

3) All calls must be answered within 30 seconds and all calls must last no longer than 2 minutes. If the client has a thick accent, there is an extra 30 seconds for clarifications. (Russian and Thai accents get another 5 minutes per call.)

4) Down-sizer Ms Cynthia Axe will be spending 4 hours a day in the service department, as a matter of routine, supervising the  implementation of this new procedure, "whilst" recruiting for our Early Bird Retirement Plan. Fear not. Cynthia is there to help you, today.

5) Thank you, it has been a pleasure texting you today.

I then texted a separate message to our yet-to-be-hired Talent Manager ordering her to do training in motivation for all customer advocates via a brief webinar during lunch break.

Stan texted me "Gr8, Glo".

תודה לסלקום עבור ההשראה

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