4 steps to downsize painlessly

Chomage

In order to cope effectively with the massive re-sizing/reshaping in Q1, Ms Cynthia Axe has reorganized her Early Bird Retirement Program. 

The reorganization has 4 changes.

Ms Axe is an integral part of the HR team, although she has been chosen as the most hated employee of the year for 5 straight years. (I apologize to heterosexual, Caucasian Diversity Chief Hugh White for misusing the word "straight".)

Change 1:

Georgette Chomage-Pitoune, a "temp", will ensure that staff who are lined up for their "final talk" with Cynthia are both civil and appreciative. 

Chomage-Pitoune studied kick-boxing and mediation; presently, she is an HR intern.

Change 2:

Mr Hugh White, the aforementioned white heterosexual who runs Diversity, will "grant release" all irregular employees who are downsized, in line with our core value of "equal treatment" for the Diverse.

Change 3:

An elite club will be established for people under 30 with a PhD and/or an MSc who are joining the Early Bird Retirement Plan.

The name of the Club is the Uncle Jang Alumni Club; semi-compulsory registration to this prestigious club is $5.

Change 4:

I will serve as Georgette's mentor and coach but in no way will undermine the overzealous and cunning Ms Axe.

Uncle Jang Alumi Club-