Work work work life balance for Thanksgiving

I am working on Thanksgiving

To: all 
From: Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux

Thanksgiving is upon us. This holiday is celebrated almost universally.

Stan, our CEO, wishes you all a happy holiday.

Stan supports work work work work life balance and has asked me to issue the following guidelines for this holiday.

• Work work work work work -"life" balance is important, and we almost strive to maintain it.
• Cellphones "can" be put on mute during sleeping hours. You also "can" have an un"axe"pected meeting with Ms Axe. Ms Axe heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan. She works non stop.
• CEO Stan may call, and we will pay for the 40% of fine you may incur whilst speaking to Stan while driving.
• Please do not text anyone except Stan whilst driving.
• Please check your emails constantly if you feel a sense of belonging, and/or, you wish to avoid a meeting with a certain  Ms Axe (Cynthia). She heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan.
• Many concalls will be postponed until after the holiday. "Some"concalls will not be cancelled. Please do not feel obliged to attend; just cc Ms Axe on "declines". Ms Axe heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan.
• Those with a company car would be advised that due to re-negotiation of our insurance premium, axe-ident insurance may be "spotty".