The senior leadership team met yesterday and ok'd the establishment of an agile HR resizing portal to enable the implementation of CEO Stan's wow wow wow restructuring program. 80 employees are to be given visas for the "next phase" of their spiritual path. We have negotiated a reduced visa fee. This is in line with our growth plan for 2019, as it were.
All employees will be able to place a 5 dollar (Canadian) bet via the the portal to see if they are included in this marvelous downsizing program.The employee enters his name and guesses if he has been downsized or not. If the guess is correct, the $5 bet is recovered.
After the employee presses "enter", we also send
1)a text stating whether or not the bet is recoverable,
2) an mms (multi-media message) congratulations message if the employee is not yet fired, or
3) a polite and terse termination text and a discounted coupon to purchase my book "Life Begins at 40", which I plan to sign, by e-signature.
There may be a bandwidth issue on our IT system, which is also being outsourced (the same week as the re-sizing) to Turkmenistan (which is not in Turkey), but we will provide good voice mail support.