As I stepped out of the executive elevator and walked into our canteen at lunch time to slum with the nerds, I was greeted with enthusiasm by all of the lads and most of the ladies.
A small podium had been set up so that I could address the mob and annouce the launch of our new digital HR service platform. Simultaneous translation was provided in 23 languages, and one translator was provided to restate what I was saying in a Scottish accent.
Things went better than expected. I would classify the reception of my speech as wow wow wow, that being 3 wows.
I told the nerds that in order to protect their privacy, each nerd will be provided with a user name and password issued by HR IT services. Each of the two has 12 letters (one Greek), one non numerical symbol, an accented French letter and a Danish overlapping letter, like OE, which in Danish is actually one letter. Cheers were heard all thru the cafeteria when I told them that we care about the privacy of their data.
Then I announced that the health insurance portal has been integrated into the HR IT digital portal. This allows dental x-raywork, colonoscopies and other procedures to be administered remotely. Some rude fellow asked me about the colonoscopy part, but I could not understand his comment, because I only speak French and English, as well as posssessing a deep knowledge of German grammar.
I got a standing ovation when I outlined the "You have been dismissed-get out of the building" button which appears on some nerds' screen after our quarterly financial reports. This button when pressed, provides a one stop station for a severance announcement, severance pay minus your debts to the company canteen and a service charge, and life-long subscription to our company newsletter called "The Joys of Life without Work, even if you have a mortgage and 4 kids" at a discounted price.
Finally, I announced that I will ease the transition into the new HR portal by a lottery. In one weeks time, I will draw a lottery for those early birds who joined our portal today and tomorrow. The prize is a bus-ticket to Detroit for a weekend, with a stay over a Day's Inn at a 30% discount. The nerds threw rice at me,a middle eastern tradition.
It was a grand day.
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