The Ins and Outs of Artificial Intelligence in the HR Profession

 

If you have ever worked with me, it’s clear that Artificial Intelligence is an add-on, a scaffold and or a rudimentary primitive “app” when compared to the cunning of the HR lady. Yet fashion is fashion, so I acted in line with our core value. Which core value? Read on.

I have tested AI on three employees, Ms Axe the downsizer, Hugh White the straight white boy who manages DEI and Mr. Herr Krebbs, our German CFO.

Ms Axe is not exactly white trash, yet she is not the brightest bulb on the block. She actually told the 6 people that she was about to axe that “today, following the guidance of my boss, Ms Gloria, my skills are augmented by a robot that she programmed. “Du bist gefeuert! Scram”. The nerds who were fired spoke Hindi, Cantonese and Hebrew. I cannot begin to tell how stupid Axe can be. I have begun to think that Ms Cynthia Axe needs a coach.

Armed with an AI chat box, Hugh White gave his ok to hire 3 very white, US- based, English speaking customer service engineers for our US based clientele. One of the secrets that have made our service so successful is that we could always feign misunderstanding of what the customer wanted. All our service engineers were Thais or Japanese, at least until now.

Our CFO Mister Herr Krebbs was provided with an AI based app with a Viennese accent, i.e., pure and easy to understand German, except for the verb locations. Yet half an hour after reviewing our HR budget, he sent me an email that “mein cash flow eats dein perks for breakfast, Frauline Gloria. Choppy choppy your spending by 37% for Q3.”

I met CEO Stan on the executive elevator later in the day. I told than “Our AI plan is moving along in alignment with our core value of “Use Humans only when Needed.” ‘

"And where is the meat?”, asked Stan.

I told Stan that I have been a vegetarian for a week.

Upgrade of Digital Services provided by HR proves to be stunning success

As I stepped out of the executive elevator and walked into our canteen at lunch time to slum with the nerds, I was greeted with enthusiasm by all of the lads and most of the ladies.

A small podium had been set up so that I could address the mob and annouce the launch of our new digital HR service platform. Simultaneous translation was provided in 23 languages, and one translator was provided to restate what I was saying in a Scottish accent.

Things went better than expected. I would classify the reception of my speech as wow wow wow, that being 3 wows.

I told the nerds that in order to protect their privacy, each nerd will be provided with a user name and password issued by HR IT services. Each of the two has 12 letters (one Greek), one non numerical symbol, an accented French letter and a Danish overlapping letter, like OE, which in Danish is actually one letter. Cheers were heard all thru the cafeteria when I told them that we care about the privacy of their data.

Then I announced that the health insurance portal has been integrated into the HR IT digital portal. This allows dental x-raywork, colonoscopies and other procedures to be administered remotely. Some rude fellow asked me about the colonoscopy part, but I could not understand his comment, because I only speak French and English, as well as posssessing a deep knowledge of German grammar.

I got a standing ovation when I outlined the "You have been dismissed-get out of the building" button which appears on some nerds' screen after our quarterly financial reports. This button when pressed, provides a one stop station for a severance announcement, severance pay minus your debts to the company canteen and a service charge, and life-long subscription to our company newsletter called "The Joys of Life without Work, even if you have a mortgage and 4 kids" at a discounted price.

Finally, I announced that I will ease the transition into the new HR portal by a lottery. In one weeks time, I will draw a lottery for those early birds who joined our portal today and tomorrow. The prize is a bus-ticket to Detroit for a weekend, with a stay over a Day's Inn at a 30% discount. The nerds threw rice at me,a middle eastern tradition.

It was a grand day.