Authentic Downsizing in practice

                                      Comrade Lazar Kaganovitz

                                                               

                                              

As 2023 rolls in and 2022 rolls out, our not-so-firm firm is resizing itself to align with flexibility, sustainability, greenness, and end to end blockchain compatibility. Oui!

To make a long story short in line with our core value of being brief, we are expediting the departure of 30% of our nerds to their native homelands, by ship, airport (Wizz Air) or back to Lesbos Greece from whence they were recruited. 

In order to do so in a humane and authentic manner, with malace towards none and authenticity to all, we enable each nerd to upgrade to our Authencity Package, for forty (British) pounds and 28 pence.

This package, unique in nature, features a hand written notice co-signed by Miss Axe and I, a pamphlet on Reuniting with your Family (an extra 7 pounds, tuppence), a plaque of appreciation even if you an underperfomer, and a seminar (in Spanish) on Working from Home, aka, Teletrabajo. And to top things off, we will pay your busfare to the airport when you leave our headquarters on Greyhound (midnight to 5 am buses only).

To sign up for this service, please sign into our blockchain at

authenticdownsizingwithallthetrimmings.www.w.ww.com or call HR digital attendant at GReatpurge4022, and ask for Lazar. 

          

Kicking off Core Values Week

 

Starting Sunday at 23.59 (11.59pm), we kick off Core Values Week. Dedicated to the implementation of our 3 fresh and updated basic beliefs, this coming week is a grand event in our corporate HR calendar. For those of you who don’t know, here are the mighty three:

1-Functional Transparency

2-Hiring Pregnant Women in the 8th month

3-Even White People merit Respect

In order to prepare the week’s events, I was given the floor in today’s senior management meeting. Armed with 250 slides prepared by my lackeys, I actually was asked to sit in CEO Stan’s chair during the discussion. However, my positioning in Stan’s chair did not make the meeting more manageable, as I was faced with a hostile audience. It was non-wow.

Comrade Karl Marks, the head of R&D, claimed that if our clients actually new what our product could do and could not due, we would not have “a pot to piss in”. Karl added that “I suggest we promise to roll out what I would call "transparency of some sort" over the next decade”.

Mister Herr Krebbs, our CFO who actually is a German native speaker, prepared a detailed analysis of the ramifications of hiring pregnant ladies one month prior to birth. “Ve are not a SkandinaFian country; ve are a business, zo ze banks are going to ask qvestions-unt I don’t haf ze answers. Danke!”

CEO Stan said that the entire management team is white “so I don’t see that we have a real problem, Gloria. Enough of your bullshit! Next thing I know, you’ll want to install transsexual toilets with standing room only”.

Such is life. I look around and see that all my friends are working hard and struggling to survive, whilst I net 300,000 Euro a year and drive a Bentley. The 300 K does not include my health club membership, German grammar lessons and business class travel on Singapore Airlines.