Rehiring nerds we have fired to augment (which means increase) our fire power

 

Constantly ahead of the pack, I guided the hapless Ms Cynthia Axe to rehire some of the nerds we sent into oblivion in the framework of our Early Bird Retirement Plan. 

Ms Axe, who used to run that plan, has recently been appointed to a new role as Human Inventory Focal Point.

For once in her miserable life, Ms Axe needs to grovel due to the present chaotic structure of the job market, which I describe as non-wow. If you ask me, Danish work culture is spreading faster than a speeding bullet.

I questioned Ms Axe about the approach she was taking in her interview in terms of selling the company to the nerds, many of whom misunderstand our compensation plan. Axe told me that the nerds keeping asking the same questions:

1) Why do pizzas ordered after midnight not have enough toppings?

2) Why don't we understand what the client wants?

3) Can we work even if our visas have expired?

4) Is that bitch Ramsbottom still the HR lead?

5) Can a I get a new folding Galaxy?

Ms Axe asked me what the right answers are, and I referred to an HR handbook, which unfortunately is not (yet) in English.

Acute Diversity Day

 

                                         Young Hugh White: White as a Lily

Taking the law into his own hands, Hugh White, "diversity and inclusion vice czar" of my HR fiefdom, issued an email to all our staff and management team on the occasion of Acute Diversity Day. 

The original plan called for Acute Diversity Happy Hour, but right under my nose, Hugh turned it into a full day. Read his  email before I continue:

Why assume that if someone pees standing up that he is a man? Why assume that wearing a kilt assumes that Scott MacGregor is a Scot? Why assume that just because someone happens to be Danish that they are happy. Why assume that targeted assassinations are more cost effective than war?  Why claim that leprosy is dangerous and infectious? Why assume that if Juanita eats supper at 11pm, that she has indigestion? Today, on Acute Diversity Day, we challenge you to look at your basic assumptions.

Hugh White, 0/C Diversity

After I read this email (on my phone in the parking lot at 7 am), I had no time to formulate a plan A, let alone plan B. All my plans are intersectional.

I rushed into the management meeting only to hear Chief nerd Comrade Carl's comment to CEO Stan. "Gloria and his team have become the ridicule of our nerds who come from countries where girls and girls and men are men. Hugh White should be kicked out her ass".

CEO Stan defended me: "Comrade Carl, just because Gloria is Canadian, don't assume that it is a pacifist". 

        

Adjusting compensation to cost of living

 

Some people feel that the cost of living has gone up, what with gas prices,electricity prices, food prices, parking prices etc etc.

I am not one of those people.

This having been said, many of our nerds have been clamoring at my door and picketing the entrance to our building demanding a cost of living increment to their salaries. Probably these nerds have been reading The Daily Worker, El Mundo Obrero, or watching too many Scandinavian Netflix shows. As a result, these nerds have strayed off the trodden path of serfdom.

I have a three pronged approach to these over-zealous nerds, foaming at the mouth from greediness.

First, I provide an explanation about just how much they don't understand/ their salary slip. I provide comparative data from firms such as ours in Albania, South Sudan and Bolivia.

Second prong, to be used if the recalcitrant nerd is still not feeling wow: I compare the nerds' well-being with and without a salary using my Portuguese blockchain, factoring in the number of children that his wife has sired.

The third prong, as it were, is administered by our in-house proctologist,who is not in-house but has a you tube which illustrates the technique. After which, Ms Axe disposes of the nerd using the freight elevator.

89% of our nerds accept the comparative data and move on, bowing their heads in respect to me and Ms Axe. 44% of the nerds are convinced by the second prong, especially if their wife is expecting yet again. 0.008% of the nerds need the proctology you tube. These nerds are generally Russian, or from the more bellicose areas of Eastern Europe or the Mid East.