Are you suitable to be an HR manager?

Last week, I gave my yearly address last week at the SSEA Academy. I was flown first class to Montreal and a steward (or footman) escorted me as I debarked to a stretch limo; after 35 minutes, I entered the building and put "les" final touches on my presentation.

The presentation was called "6 questions to ask yourself before you embark on a career as an HR Lady". The emphasis is on before. The point being that far too many HR ladies are in the market, and only the best get to the top. My presentation was "geared" to acess "one's" chances of getting to the top, not being just a run of the mill recruiter with a fancy title like "Talent Acquistion Management."

These five questions are in English, and should remain in English. Very few top HR managers use any other language but English at work. 

1) Can you feign compassion? 

2) Do you have qualms about hiring illegal immigrants?

3) Can you understand poor English with no grammatical structure or spoken a thick accent, even on a conference call near a construction site or train station?

4) Do you love people, up to a point, with that point changing all along as per the profitablity of the company?

5) Can you organize fun days, parties and events, and appear to be perky, even if you feel, deep down inside, that you prefer to be an introverted bookkeeper?

6) Can you text on 4 phones simultaneously?

Quesion 2, by the way, is tricky. Because on all other questions, a yes get you five points, not so question 2. There is another tricky question: number 3. Because sometimes, English may be the language the nerd thinks he is speaking, but it isn't. A Scottish nerd comes to mind.

Is Corona over, or not?

 

Comrade Karl Marks, the Head of R&D and Customer Experience, suggested that we change our post-covid  policy. 

"Kibinimat, Gloria, our nerds are hiding behind your socialist "work-from-home for ten days if you are ill", and 80% of the work force are at home, scratching their bums and not producing code".

Then the Comrade added, "19 Svetlanas, 21 Natalies, 21 Ngyyens, 73 Moshes, and old de Villiers (who is a white South African) are missing in action because of the health forms they need to produce before they re-enter our building. What the fu-k is this all this Leninist bureacracy about; you are Canadian, aren't you?"

Of course, after the Ministry of Health audit, it does HR a lot of good. I certainly do not want to spend a week in jail for violating health rules. Heavens, I was born in Canada, not China.

I suggested to Comrade Karl that he re-introduce working from home as the fad-de-jour. "Youb tvou-mat Gloria, stop using French. Tell me Gloria, as far as you are concerned, is covid over?"

I ruminated (like MD) for ten seconds (unlike MD) and answered: "It's very liminal, Comrade Carl. I do not wish to be simplistic. Neither you or I eat triple cheeseburgers with onions and a gallon of Pepsi for lunch. Covid still hovers over us, but we see some sun coming thru the clouds." Then, I coughed; I have had post nasal drip ever since my non-reported covid case 3 days ago.

Comrade Karl jumped under the table and threw a grenade at me. Luckily, it was a Nato grenade, so it just lay there, like a non theatening anti-Putin  dud.

HR is like surgery without a knife

How can we know the dancer from the dance?  How can we know the top class HR lady from the perky brainless administrator? Why do many Americans eat triple cheeseburgers, especially in red states? 

Of course, no one can be an expert in everything. My Dad told me that. Although he did add, "Gloria, don't be like your mother. Choose one specialty-don't be a fu-king expert in everything". 

Truth be told, I have a lot of common sense, but my "expertisa" is in HR, which is like surgery without a knife. Today I am going to share three tips about how to refocus HR strategy in the post corona era, assuming that there was a corona era and that indeed, we are post, or past, it. It being the era.

1) Provide a higher purpose, not a higher salary. Money is so passe, as it were. Purpose can knit people together, even if they have nothing in common.

2) Recruit people in distress. When you hire people who are demanding, spoiled and skilled, all you get are demands to use politically correct gender pronouns, as well as petitions to go on paid vacation to the Maldives. People in distress are far more accomodating. Give them a hot meal once a week, and a clean bed at night, and you are perceived as their business partner. You may want to throw in some English lessons, a la carte.

3) Be patient. People have weird habits. Some (ER)  sleep all afternoon, some (MD) do not really want to work. Some argue all the time, even with themselves. Some pray at work, 6-7 times a day. But take what there is and be patient.It's a virtue and core value.

I have 785 core values, all in all. My latest value has to do with blockchains, which is beyond the scope of this post.