“No one will get a product fix until everyone gets a product fix. It’s as simple as that. It’s all about managing peoples’ expectations. When our clients know that they are all treated in the same way, criticism of our company will be replaced by adoration”.

 

                                   CEO Stan

During the so-called pandemic, it appears that customer satisfaction plummeted, meaning that it went down. I am fully aware that most of my readers don’t know English all that good.

From the survey which I commissioned at a ghastly low price using abilities I mustered when working in Supply Chain, we learnt that 80.8% of our clients want to uninstall our product; another 40% are willing to shoot CEO Stan if they spot him in a dark alley, and an amazing 97% percent think that “HR is the only good thing about your company”.

Before confronting our chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks about these findings, I had a one on one with CEO Stan. “The Board will be all over me Gloria”. I suggested that we table these findings as per our core value of functional transparency. CEO Stan told me that “you are the cat’s pyjamas!”

But it was too late. Cynthia Axe, my hatchet women, had already wandered into Carl’s office and told him that “CEO Stan will make you into minced meat, Comrade Carl”, and handed him the survey results. But to our surprise, Comrade Carl was as cool as a cucumber.

The comrade has just spent a week in Europe, where “I have been inculcated with humanitarian values. Our clients are dissatisfied not only because they are perhaps ignorant, but because they are all on edge asking “when do we get a product fix”. The Comrade’s eyes filled with charity and kindness. Then he proclaimed, “No one will get a product fix until everyone gets a product fix. It’s as simple as that. It’s all about managing peoples’ expectations. When our clients know that they are all treated in the same way, criticism of our company will be replaced by adoration”.

CEO Stan texted me that “either Comrade Carl is hallucinating or he “might be on to something”. Stan added, “Gloria, let’s align our values to be more egalitarian. Let’s brand ourselves as globalists and humanitarian for the next few weeks”.

I booked an educational trip to Belgium but when I read the travel warning, I suggested sending Ms Axe, who in an anti-vaccine advocate.

Our new management credo

                                         

                                                              Danke

It’s obvious that people need principles and credos (a Latin word) by which to manage. In our firm, our staff comes from far-off places, often without airports, runways, triple cheeseburgers or a firm grasp of English.

True, there are books published in Danish (such as “Organisationer I En Overgangstif-Handbog for Ledere) which making managing people easier, but two issues arise: 1) who speaks Danish and 2) are Scandinavian ways scalable in the real world, where most people are not Scandinavian?

In light of the above, and in line with my core value of leading the pack and garnering brownie points, I formulated a new credo, to be introduced immediately.

1)      In the beginning, the organization was null and void. People spoke all sorts of languages and ate with their feet and hands. There were no processes. Then Stan said, “Let there be HR”. Then there was light.

2)      We all own everything, and blame is assigned on a need-for-victim basis. This is not a good thing or a bad thing, just a global and sustainable thing.

3)      Albeit holistic assumptions, delivery dates and product readiness are not aligned. Delivery dates are linked to revenue flow whilst product readiness is linked to the Chinese stock market, or Blue Bonnets Horse Track in Montreal.  

4)      There is no HR lady other than Gloria, and Cynthia Axe is her messenger.

5)      If asked to represent an idea or opinion with which you may agree or may not agree, think about being deported to your homeland, or life without a salary, as lonely as a gig worker during a Corona plague.

6)      Team work is important, but so is eating beans. Never disobey your boss, cloaking your action in team work. This is the real world, not some classroom in Spain.

7)      Often, one needs to swear. Hungarian and Greek provide the best platforms for the aforementioned activity. So does Russian.

8)      There is no HR lady other than Gloria, and Hugh White is her towel boy.

9)      Webinars are ok, as long as they are free and are in alignment with our credo. This having been said, our credo is binding, yet the context of obedience is liberal pluralism tainted with an inside-outside dynamic.

10)   If per chance your colleague is dithering, ill, incompetent or sexting, pick up the fucking ball and run. You own everything.