Comrade Carl Marks, our chef
nerd, Head of Product Development and Head of User Experience, went directly to
our CEO Stan to demand that we all return to work on site. The comrade claimed that “with the new
Russian vaccine having been administered, our nerds are as safe as a Russian
spy in a safe house in London during the days of Kim Philby”. Stan noted
that Comrade Carl uses strange metaphors when his meds are not balanced.
Comrade Carl suggested that “Gloria
use an Israeli consulting service to plan the work capsules, because the Israelis
have created a model that enables sheep to live in peace along with hungry
wolves in the very same field”. CEO Stan had just read the morning news, said
to the Comrade, “Carl do your own fucking job, not other peoples’ job. The Israelis handle corona like Zimbabwe manages their economy.”
Stan texted me (using WhatsApp)
and told me that “your job is to get everyone back on site, in safe work
capsules, by Monday morning. For a lady of your cunning, this should be no
problem at all. After all, you wrap everything up in mumbo-jumbo like a modern
day Houdini, who was a magician. By the way, I agree with Comrade Carl about
his request to work on site. Just because of few Spanish academics push this
teletrabajo fashion trend, we don’t behave like the Spaniards, for Christ sake.
Since when have Americans imitated the Spanish? They eat supper at midnight!”
To be honest, there are very few problems that I cannot answer when I put on my thinking cap. You don’t need to speak fluent Greek in order to be creative. Or perfect German. English and French are Latin are good enough.
Here are the outlines of our Work Capsule
Program-
Workers whose family names
start with any letter from A to P will work at the office on Sundays and Thursdays. Family
names starting with Q to Z except for R will work on site on Tuesday and
Fridays. The red bus line will be used by people whose first name starts with C
D E F G H I or J. The red shuttle line
operates on Mondays. People from minority groups (Blacks, Asian, Jews, worldly Americans and White
English-speaking engineers), will work on Wednesday and use the blue line, which
has yet to be commissioned. Exception management will be handled by a hot line and eventually by a Swiss blockchain. You will get a phone code within a month. Anyone can pray in large groups within and between capsules even if they are coughing blood and pus.
I texted this policy to CEO Stan,
mentioning by the by that I had consulted an Israeli expert with vast
experience in solving complex problems. I did so in order to gain face
validity, because Stan says that the Israelis are good at fighting wars. Stan answered
me with a text quoting a Swiss philosopher, “this is not a war, for shit’s
sake; it’s a virus. I am cancelling your valet parking”.
