Working remotely-New Guidelines

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, held an all hands meeting on-line with his 19 teams leaders via Zoom.

Carl believes that "19" is not too large a group to manage, especially since "my lackeys worship the ground that I walk on".

The goal of the said meeting was to clarify the ground rules of working remotely. Comrade Carl invited me to the meeting, promising me that "you could wrap up the meeting and send out action items by email and Whatsapp." 

I joined Carl in his room 5 minutes before the meeting began, looking  my best. The Comrade had a picture Comrade Lazar Kaganovitch pinned up behind him. I asked the Comrade who this bloke is, and he told me, "the people who need to know, know".

The comrade spoke for 3 hours and 45 minutes, and the nerds were attentive, or, nodding off to sleep. Some of their nerds were asking their kids to translate Carl's message to their native tongue-Russian, Ukrainian, Arabic, Urdu, Hebrew, and what have you-which rhymes.

Often Comrade Carl and I have our differences about how to communicate to the boys, but except for one point, I saw eye to eye with the Comrade.

His main messages were:

1) Corona or not, work hard or get fired.

2) You can eat whenever you want, because at home, none of your English speaking peers can smell the food you eat.

3) Don't take calls in the loo. Dress properly, and if your name is Svetlana or Natalie, you can wear whatever you want.

4) Speak clearly. If you don't speak proper English, keep your message brief and speak slowly. R and L are not the same letter; my name is Carl and not Sir, and Gloria is Mademoiselle Ramsbottom, not Gloria. Honour the HR lady and keep her holy.

5) Trust is the key to working together. If you don't cooperate, "I'll bust your fucking heads against each other."

Then Carl added, "thank you boys. I include the ladies".

Then Carl said, "anything to say, Glo?"

I mentioned that "parking and food allowance will be deducted starting today and one week retroactive" adding  that "discretionary effort is not all that discretionary". 

And then, I allowed myself to contradict one of Carl's edicts. "Svetlana and Natalie, talk to me after the call". Carl smiled and offered me a joint. The call ended.