The Exit Interview

You cannot just axe employees and flush them down the toilet. Mais non. Actually you can, but "haram", i.e, you shouldn't.

Why? Even dismissed employees have value that can be squeezed from them. So I have decided to explain how to extract this last drip of value, albeit my reservations. On one hand, I do not want to give away all my knowledge freely since I am not Danish, but on the other hand, I do seek recognition as the first lady and as la prima ballerina of HR-thus, I am willing to share tidbits of our agile exit interview process. Here is how it works:

Six months after an employee has returned home to join his family and squander his severance pay on beer and women (or men for that matter), we interview our nerds in a Whatsapp group called "The House of Lords". 

The exit interview consists of 5 questions, in English, and for each question answered correctly, the severed nerd gets 50 cents for use in our company canteen. The 50 cents is valid for 21 days, except in June and July as well as odd days in the third week of every second month.

Are you interested in knowing what these questions are? Read on.

1) What did you value most about the HR ladies' contribution to your wellbeing? Why aren't men good HR managers?

2) Would you describe our severance package as more humane or more compassionate?

3) If your spouse is nagging you now that you spend more time at home, are you interested in my new book, "Thriving at Home After Severance"? It costs $30 USD. I do not accept British pounds.

4) Have you started to improve your English? Or have you reverted to speaking your tribal tongue?

5) Do you miss the smell of spicy food on Diversity Day? Do you miss working with people who are very much unlike you?

Btw, all answers to these questions are documented in our Blockchain, which was Made in Austria.

Corona and well being

Wellness and Revenue

Following a stay in hospital for a discrete illness (piles) and reading too much about the Corona virus, CEO Stan has shown an enhanced interest in health. He measures his blood pressure twice an hour and has asked his private chef (K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein who has mixed ethnicity) for foods which are "softer on my gut". Stan also washes his hands when he leaves the bathroom and does not shake anyone’s hands.

Stan also said at a recent staff meeting that "a nations' health is a nations' wealth" which was the motto of the Montreal Star which my dear Dad Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used to read on the weekends. 

Today after a day “that didn’t start well”, CEO Stan flip flopped on Corona, like a French socialist who needs to balance a budget.

Stan texted me at 1255 pm: "Gloria, how are we dealing with Corona scare? Keep the health of our firm in mind. No travel to anywhere that compromises my and our well being."

At 1 pm, I got a copy of an email message from R&D chief Comrade Carl Marks which read: 

 "I know a government hack in Indonesia who rates our new product as a “pearl”. He studied with me in Mother Russia. The only problem is our travel policy which does not allow me to travel to Jakarta for a demo; travel policy defines Indonesia as a dangerous travel zone, like Damascus, Jerusalem and Detroit."

At 1.05 pm, Stan summoned me into his room, along with Hugh White from Diversity. Hugh is both white and heterosexual.

CEO Stan asked Hugh "to what extent is all this Corona crap racist shit, White?" White coughed at looked at me for direction, in line with my core value of obedience. I signalled to White proceed. "Mister Stan, Corona appears to me to be rating-related and racist-based scare tactics, yet at the same time, Indonesia is not somewhere I suggest travelling to at the moment, Sir. However I do think that Indonesian cuisine is very unique."

Stan looked at White and said nothing; White became whiter.

Stan blurted out that he agrees that Corona is a racist scare tactic, and that all staff flying Indonesia “should travel Economy Plus to stretch their legs. Gloria, revise travel policy within 90 seconds  to align HR with our core values of Revenue First”.

Stan mentioned that he does not plan to visit Indonesia for the time being, but to show solidarity with Carl and the sales folks heading off to Jakarta, "I do not plan to take a Corona shot. Corona is a racial slur.”

I had forgotten to tell Stan that there is no shot for Corona.

My Dad Pierre Elliot used to say that "Americans use the term racial slur liberally, Glo. Take it with a pinch of salt".

I have a friend in Indonesia