Evidence based downsizing documented by British Blockchain

It’s almost impossible to pull the wool over my eyes. That’s for sure. 

Many of my peers in HR (men but mainly ladies)  claim to have downsized tens if not hundreds of people in “one fell swoop”, or in batches. However, when examined, many of the downsized are dead, or they "walked the plank" on their own free will, or worse, they are still employed as contractors, sucking at the corporate mammary gland.

This makes my blood boil because I love evidence based HR. As a matter of fact, Evidence could have been my middle name; alas I have no middle name.

I am extremely proud vis a vis (French) how I trained Ms Cynthia Axe, my down-sizer and obedient underling, to sever people from our workforce; every single severance is documented with evidence.

• Every downsized nerd has his picture taken with Miss Axe, holding the severance missive in his or her paw/hand. 
• Every downsized nerd gets an autographed picture of me with a greeting, “enjoy the rest of your life”-and this event is photographed as well.
• All photographs are documented in a stodgy English blockchain.
• And if you need more evidence, all severed nerds serve as our firms’ good will ambassadors and can be found on our website under at downsizedformer happycampers/postpartumdepression/goodwill/ambassadors/gloria.com.

For some people, this evidence is not enough. However, if you divide by  0.05 and add 32, the evidence becomes axiomatic, which means a self-evident truth.

I had a dream

Silk slippers

For the last week to ten days, I have had the same dream every night, at times several times a night.

My coach is presently out of town, so I'm jotting down this dream right here so as not to forget it.

It's 11 PM and I'm sitting in my office which overlooks the R&D open space, where our 400 nerds work in near harmony. The Spanish nerds have just ordered in supper, whilst the other nerds have eaten at an earlier hour, as per their tribal custom. There is a whiff of spicy food in the air, as well as the scent of Chinese food, hummous, and Frankfurter. I have eaten like a horse but I am thin and desired. A white owl is pecking away at the leftovers, with its back towards me.

An English lad is playing with his blockchain outside my office, and its parts are scattered hither, thither and yon.

Comrade Carl comes into my office and tells me that the nerds need to work all night. The comrade is holding a joint and wearing his PJs and satin slippers.

I call Ms Axe so that she relay the news, and she does so, using our PA system which broadcasts in 87 languages, 90 of them from India as well as German with a Viennese accent.

At midnight, the nerds all turn blonde and start speaking Danish. They work all night long, happy as a lark, all of them. They sign on a petition refusing to take money for the overtime.

I call up a Scottish lady to inform her of the meaning people have found in hard work, but the call is diverted and there is a pre-recorded message in some east-European language that no one understands.

At 7.00 AM, my name changes to Francine Ramsbottom and as the nerds shuffle out, they kiss my ring.

Then, I wake up.

2020 HR strategy of the 1st lady of HR includes Liminal Space Meditation

Nose to the ground

If l keep my ears to the ground, I notice there are plenty of external factors I need to take into account in order to forge our new HR strategy. 2020 presents some interesting challenges. By the way, I always keep my ears to the ground.

Following my survival instincts, I decided that I need to "put my foot on the gas" vis a vis (French) climate change. Thus no one except senior management will fly for business trips any more. For "rank and file" travel needs, I am presently negotiating a corporate discount with Greyhound Buses, Arriva and Amtrak. So that takes care of 2020 social responsibility and our carbon footprint plan, as it were.

Wellness is also a major issue on my plate. In previous years, we have provided free 10 mgs of Cipralex for Sales Staff, and Pervitin stuka tabletten for our nerds to ensure that they meet our benignly aggressive deadlines.

                                         

To meet my 2020 wellness goals, this needs to change pronto. I am upping the dosage of Cipralex to 20 mg, and adding an Ariply (Ablify) tablet; this should keep our sales people happy and jocund. 

For the nerds, Pervitin will be replaced by Liminal Space  Mindfulness Seminars, piped into the open space areas of R&D, including the toilets.

I do know that HR is not the most popular function in the company and I need to address this in a timely fashion. So I am doing a survey of who exactly does not appreciate us, after which I will take corrective action, to be carried out by a recently energized Ms Axe, who in now on Pervitin.

Finally everyone needs to develop their own “skilly skill skills“. 2020 is no different. I have planned an Improve your English Accent Training Video, which will be available to all our staff who blubber, confuse, tap-dance, mutter, dither and fumble their way through communicative tasks due to their tribal tongue interfering with proper English.

Our Swiss blockchain will provide me a dashboard which will monitor progress, daily.