Thursday, 22 March 2018

Answer to refused job applicants


Dear Candidate,

Please note that your name is in the BCC of this email,
which is sent all 5243 candidates who applied to our firm for the job of service engineer.

Applicants to this job were rejected either because they spoke English too well, they did not respect HR ladies, they flew on 'ethnic airlines', or because they wanted to maintain a work life balance by sleeping at home more than 3 days a week. Sexual preferences were not factored into choices, nor was skin colour or religion in most cases.

So yes, the answer is no. As in yes, we have no bananas. 

However, as the first lady of HR, I would love your experience with us to be wow, 'ergo' I am offering you a discounted weekly subscription to my book blog, 'In search of meaning in the Gig Economy'. It is very short, 10 pages, and you can get a copy by wiring me ten euros.

Thanks for applying. And by the way, do you know any illegal immigrants? If so, we are hiring them to wash cars in our executive parking lot. For each applicant referred, one gets 3 discount points which can be redeemed at my sister Claire's online store. She sells guns (to US residents), German blockchains 2nd hand and sunbeds to Scandinavians.

So merci and tak. We hope you have enjoyed your virtual stay with us, albeit as a rejected candidate.

Dr Gloria Ramsbottom 
1st lady of HR

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