Monday 12 February 2018

Our company doctor provides fascinating data and predictive analytics

In order to provide cost effective yet competitive medical care for our staff, we have an on-site doctor , conveniently located near our spare parts warehouse in the basement. 

The medical services are rendered by Dr Alexei Feldsher, who studied a triple whammy (medicine, blockchain and data mining) in the Ukraine.

Dr Feldsher reports into the first lady of HR; Feldsher freely shares all medical info with me, in line with our key values of the boundary-less organization.

After I needlessly bragged that HR has "migrated and  morphed into data and predictive analytics, augmented by a German blockchain", I was cut off in the pass and asked to present HR data analytics in the upcoming board meeting.

I asked Dr Feldsher to cough up data for that meeting, whilst insuring that he covers his mouth whilst coughing.

I must admit that I was not totally shocked by the data, but I was slightly shocked. I did know that our CEO has inflamed hemorrhoids (since he has a bidet installed in his executive toilet) and keeps Preparation H on his desk. I also knew that Ms Axe is on the pill. Any idiot would know that!

But I did not know that 87% of our nerds complain that our clients have bad breath, body odour and unfair expectations from our products. Nor did I know that our 120% of our sales force take the anti depressant Lexapro.

Dr Feldsher sent me all this data on a lovely power-point, with all sorts of pyrotechnics. Dr Feldsher's last two slides claim that one of clients will assassinate our CEO Stan and that all of  our investors will suffer heart attacks after the Q1 2018 revenue reports are published. I asked the good doctor to remove those slides before he loses his job.

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