Blockchain driven HR- a case study from the 1st lady of HR

ICO was wow

Not everyone understands blockchain applications in HR, but on the other hand not everyone understands French or Latin either.

I certainly have internalized the block-chain principles; this month I inaugurated (and rolled out) our pilot blockchain program, which yielded a 600% ROI  within  two hours. ROI is short for return on investment. Read on for more details. Merci!

Our dollar based compensation was dissolved, as it were. I often say "as it were" to soften the blow. The dollar was replaced by our wow blockchain  driven performance evaluation, based on a virtual currency which HR has launched.

Here is how it works. Each manager gets access to a virtual currency with which he can award  any underling who does what he or she is told to do. Then, the underling can use this currency to purchase goods at our company canteen, which will be stocked with Scandinavian goods in due time.

Our Initial Coin Offering (ICO) was made available and  demand was outstanding. The currency features my picture with the caption "In Gloria speramus". That's Latin.

Finally, I wanted to share how we go about blockchain-enabled severance. Every time an underling gets 3 negative credits or cusses HR, he (or she) is automatically ejected from our building, with a virtual credit card with the amount that our firm virtually owes the employee. This is valid for use at our company canteen as well. For one month, except on weekends and Canada Day.

I am expecting to win an award for this, but I am willing to wait patiently for a week or so until I come into the limelight once again, due to the brilliance of this application.

Mental health day - my innovative approach to the role of the HR Lady

You don't need to lecture me about mental health issues. When my Dad Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used to raise his voice at my Mom, Constance, I used to get a splitting headache. The only thing that calmed me down in these horrible moments was the thought that one day, I would become the first lady of HR.

In retrospect, which means looking backwards, I have always felt sane, but I am mindful of mental health issues.

Mindful is a great word.

Our firm ain't so firm, mentally

Today on mental health day, and in line with our core values of transparency, I want to discuss some of the mental health issues in our not so firm firm. 

1) If you ask our CEO Stan, 120% of our Sales force suffers from some sort depression. Our sales force avoids all contact with customers whilst the Head of Sales has been hiding in the toilet (stall 1 from the left) for 3 years.

2) Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, speaks with a Russian accent, although he is American. He believes that our product is a pearl and that if our customers don't like it, "they need to get their heads examined, kibinimat". Dear Carl has given Cipralex to all developers to "keep the development effort focused". Comrade Carl smokes joints in the parking lot and encourages his nerds to join him "in order to detox from debugging products which for all intents and purposes are fully functional."

Cipralex

3) Our CEO Stan has a narcissistic personality, if you ask me. I hope I spelt that right. He believes that the company is unworthy of his leadership and thinks we should all kiss his ass. However, since he suffers from hemorrhoids and uses Preparation H, there aren't too many volunteers.

No volunteers

4) 95% of our staff have dysthymia, especially if they speak English, have been working for us for 3 years and need to support a family.

5) The entire HR staff is constantly elated; some would say unnecessarily so. On one hand, anyone in HR should be happy that they have a job. On the other hand, what is there to be so happy about, if I do a reality check. I do reality checks on Mental Health Day, which shows I am built like a brick shit house, mentally.

I sent a Whatsapp to all staff encouraging them to use our mental health chat box, which diagnoses and treats mental illness online, without the need for yak yak therapy, whilst lying on some couch.