The Five Heavenly Pearls of HR Wisdom

5

In the framework of digital detox that I recently underwent guided by a French guru ,  I read a book. Mais oui! I am tingling with a feeling a global diversity because the author of the book is Chinese. 

I fell asleep mystified by the Orient and dreamt that the 5 heavenly pearls of wisdom had fell onto my crown. (In the dream, I had been crowned the first lady of HR for the entire world, including Denmark)

Each pearl was stuffed full of 25% data and 80% wisdom, if my math is right. These 5 pearls all together give me the path to ultimate wisdom, from an HR perspective.

The first pearl is call the "Pearl of Blame", meaning that for all things, someone needs to bite the bullet.

The second pearl is the "Pearl of Process", meaning that human behaviour can and must be regulated by business processes, under the benign auspices of HR.

The 3rd pearl is the "Pearl of Data", meaning that all intuition needs to be backed up with the "shtempaleh" (official stamp) of data.

The 4th pearl is the "Pearl of Diversity and Inclusion", meaning that I need to get rid of Hugh White as head of Diversity because he is straight and white.

The 5th pearl of the "Pearl of Yearly Performance Appraisal", because nothing, not even AI  bots driven by big data, can hold a candle to Performance Appraisal by giving HR so much power.

Hugh White is the straight white boy who runs diversity

Guns in the workplace

Be prepared

The white heterosexual boy who runs our Diversity Program, Hugh White, suggested that guns should be banned from the work place. Hugh noted in an email sent "to all" saying "whilst I have not seen a gun as of late, we need to be prudent in these turbulent times".

From an HR perspective, I see no reasons for guns at work. After all, HR does have other control mechanisms such as policies, procedures and the HR ERP model, which limits access to the toilet unless you remember your 13 letter password containing 2 digits and a letter from the Greek alphabet.

So I wrote an email to Hugh, ccing "all", that I agree with his proposal. I also castigated Hugh for using email. Whatsapp is now our preferred venue of communication, venue being a French word.

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd and big data guru, stormed into my office. He was livid and brewing with ire, which means he was angry. (So many people who read this blog don't know English all that well). The comrade bellowed at me, "Gloria you are out of your mind."

That sentence caught my attention, so I listened to what Comrade Carl continued to say.

"Kibinimat Gloria, the west is coming apart. The Brits are re-grouping to re-initiate their empire, every second man/woman with his camel, iPhone and goats are leaving the Mid East for guilt-driven Germany and or liberal Sweden, the American political system has generated a lady and a fascist to run for president, our unappreciative clients do not appreciate the sophisticated features of our last software release, sales are down and you suggest not bringing guns to work?"

I asked the dear Comrade how guns would help. After all, I am Canadian born and Dad managed to discipline me without a gun.

"Gloria, we are heading back to tribalism. This tribalism has ramifications for HR as well, if you think about it. If I were you, I would start hiring people who can defend themselves against HR tyranny and put clients in the place. Think about it Gloria, user experience is liberal nonsense."

More than ever, I am sure that vodka should not be consumed with anti depressants.

Vodka and anti-depressants