Bathwater
In line with being aligned with major and minor trends in the HR profession, I have decided to restructure our DEI group, eliminating it entirely yet preserving its major value. I like contradicting goals all blended into one statement.
Ethel-William, our building superintendent, will alas be asked to use the mens' lavatory.
Carmen Vega-Schwartz-McNabe-Hernandez-Korsakov will be terminated. True, she helped us achieve an award for being so diverse, but indeed her accrued value is caduc. Caduc is a French word.
The staff restaurant will not be serving Ethiopian food on Monday nor Asian food on Tuesday. Nor Korean food on Wednesday. Nor Arabian food on Thursday. Nor French Canadian pea soup on Friday.
New staff will no longer need to apologize that they are white, even if they are male, or even straight.
We will insist that new hires speak excellent English, even in they are Thai, Scottish or Japanese.
Danish passports for unhappy customer service reps will be replaced with Cipralex and Seroquel. Being a Dane may have equaled happiness, until Trump came to power.
Sick leave for infirm/sickly nerds (asthma, more than 2 colds a year, sniffling) will be limited to one day a year, after 5 years of service.
Diversity training will be replaced by British accent training, or, watching old versions of Father Knows Best. Or watching Bonanza.
Prayer services will take place at 9 am. The Reverend Comrade Karl Marks is presiding.
Hugh White's name has been deleted from our records, like Nikolai Yezhov. Hugh was the straight white boy who ran DEI. He is gone gone. Ugandans often say a word twice for emphasis.
To make a long story short, diversity is still a value, so to speak, but not a core value. It's dispensable, like all values.
