Recruiting strategies for the elderly

Hiring young nerds is fraught with problems. For those of my readers who don't speak English well, fraught describes a situation that "may be highly problematic". Younger nerds need higher salaries since they tend to proliferate; furthermore "work-life balance" (a term I detest) often has impacted their immune system.

Our CEO Stan recently asked me "why don't we hire a few old geezers? Gloria, prepare a plan asap."

So that's what I did, in line with my core value of being an obedient business partner.

I prepared a "flier" to be distributed in old age homes, in the lobbies of dentists, dermatologists and cardiologists which describes our company as " le lieu de travail en rose", which reminds me of a French song, by Edith Piaf.

In the flier, I skim over and de-focus the non-wow need for long hours, the non wow wow  interface with furious customers and DEI training-and focus on our new GWPO, our Geezer Work Package Offer".

Nerds over 65 will receive, upon signing up, the following goodies:

• stool softeners
• 3 toilet breaks an hour
• one free operation a year, in any bodily part from the knees down
• enlarged fonts on their PC
• hearing aids for those in service roles++
• back support for their chairs and rocking chairs
• one week (free of charge) holiday near a Danish lake, in a tent

I distributed the fliers last week, and we have already had 50 calls, which went to our voicemail hiring bot. Malheureusement*, the bot erased all the calls, since our  outsourced IT department had configured the bot only accept the CVs of refugees under the age of 30, with no children. 

As on Monday, this will be sorted out-or else I will be "sorted out", as our CEO Stan explained to me. 

++BTW, nerds in service roles who are hard of hearing but do not want a hearing aid, that's fine. We promote feigned listening to our clients' beefs.

*Unfortunately- in French

Decolonizing the client: Comrade Karl goes on a rant

Comrade Karl Marx, our VP of Software Development and User Experience Czar asked me in a Whatsapp message 'when is Martin Luther King Day?"

I am on sabbatical in Denmark, living the life of Riley, pro bono-near a lake and thus, I did not answer him.

Rumor has it that Comrade Karl convened all his nerds during today's lunch in his meeting room, Lavrentiy Beria Hall.  On the screen was a picture of MLK, Kim Jong-un and Lester Pearson. Comrade Karl has always had a eclectic streak in him.

When the clock struck 12.30, the Comrade spoke. "Friends, countrymen and nerds with a green card working for a halfpenny: a client should be judged not by the money he pays, but by the degree of tolerance he displays for the bugs in our product and our ever maturing documentation. I have come not to praise our CFO Herr Krebbs, but to bury him. From on this stage, Herr Krebbs, I demand, ask not what we can do to our clients, but what our clients can do to bolster our image".

Herr Krebbs, who hails from Bonn unt speaks vita German accent, muttered to himself (rumor has it), er hat Verstand verloren. Our CEO, Stan, who was sitting next to Karl, said, "For Christ's sake, Herr Krebbs, speak English".

Comrade Karl rambled on until 15.00 (3pm) quoting the Bible, the Communist Manifesto and weaved in a unique idea. Apparently he is said to have claimed-"I am white boy, but this is no matter". He quoted from TS Eliot's Prufrock:  

And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,

When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall..

Continuing his reason the Comrade claimed that "we need to decolonize the clients' sense of privilege, even if he isn't white. Who cares about a few bugs here and there; does anyone know what the role of service is: they clean up the mess? Jesus Christ-when did people start asking questions instead of focusing on knowledge acquisition. Our clients, down the last of them, lack a sense of fairness."

Our CEO, Stan was standing due to 1) his irritation with Karl and 2) his bum was itching because of his hemorrhoids. "Tovarish Comrade Karl, enough is enough. People have an attention deficit from looking at their fucking cell phones all day. Come into my office, without the joint you are smoking. I want to have a word with you. I sure wish Gloria was here, and not living on someone's property over there in Denmark."