5 top questions to ask resigning employees?

 Yes it's true that there are some nerds who decide to part with us in this epoque (French) of economic and social upheaval. 

Some of these ungrateful nerds are working on key projects, such as making our last software release semi functional, or translating the documentation from Chinese, Hebrew or Hindi into English. So, no, we are not in a wow wow wow frame of mind when the nerd gives his (or her or its) notice. 

I developed 5 questions to pose (ask) nerds the very moment they announce their intention.These questions have had a very positive impact on lowering this type of churn; as such-I have chosen to share these questions in line with my core value of leading the pack and self agrandisement.

1) Do you remember the day that we pulled you out of the ocean off the coast of Libya and/or off the shore of Greece, to recruit you? Does your culture have no dignity?

2) Do you remember that your passport is in our company safe?

3) Did your partner (generally a wife) declare the Schwarzgeld income she made in our kitchen?

4) Did I ever show you the photo that we took of you and Svetlana in the parking lot?

5) We gave you a loan to learn English and it appears that you took the loan yet still cannot communicate. Will you return the loan in one installment, or now?

Hiring a VP of Sales entails skills and acumen of the first lady of HR

There is an outstanding difference of opinion between our CEO Stan and R&D Czar Comrade Karl Marks about the need for a Head of Sales. Comrade Carl claims that "good technology sells itself." CEO Stan, on the other hand, believes that Comrade Carl is a fucking idiot and that since our product is a "dubious piece of junk", Comrade Carl's opinion will be over ruled. "Gloria, hire a VP Sales pronto, or I will ship you back to Canada, where it is colder than Denmark."

So, I put on my thinking cap and put together a job description to publish in the US, Canada, Britain and Australia, ie in the civilized parts of the world.

Job entails: 

Sales and revenue collection for unique product in embryonic stage with plenty of futuristic value, inshallah.

Ability to use slimy agents in the third world to sell our product from slush funds. Russian, and Chinese language skills critical.

Ability to dodge difficult questions of a technical nature and instead, promote "personal agendas" of the buyer, in line with our core values of corporate expediency.

The candidate must:

• Have white skin
• Wear a suit and tie
• Speak perfect, I mean perfect, English
• Ability to drink like a fish and sting like a bee
• Have a social network at high levels in the third world
• Sing well at karoyoki bars.

I sent this job description to CEO Stan, who texted me back, "now you are talking business, baby". Stan is not politically correct, but boys will be boys. He oked my private yoga lessons as a company expense.