Celebrating failure

 

Our chief nerd and user experience czar Comrade Karl Marks asked Hugh White, the white heterosexual who runs Diversity, Parking and Company Events, to "organize a celebration of the roll-out of our latest release the "Karl 012.11". 

Hugh, well trained as he is, sent me a Whatsapp which read: "Our recent release has been uninstalled by all our clients. Three key accounts wrote CEO Stan to shove the release up his bum. Yet the Comrade has asked to celebrate the release to the tune of $15000 dollars on a boat trip down the Volga". Hugh added if the Volga is a river in Russia, which I knew. ''Should we (you) ok it? Hugh White"

Not only did I ok the budget, but I upped it to $20,000 (Canadian). Victories celebrate themselves. Failures need to be dressed up as heroism and self sacrifice. Any idiot knows that. My history teacher, Gilles Levesque, told me when I was in Grade 2: "Gloria, can you understand how the bombing of Dresden was used as an opportunity to declare total war on the allies? If you can, you should be in HR".

I sent out an ok of the budget to Karl with the following note:

"Dear Comrade, Your nerds have shown bravery and steadfastness in the face of incompetence and sloppiness on the part of our ignorant clients. Let's drink to their health and celebrate their long service at minimum wage. We get what we pay for. Jubel.

Gloria

How I became a trusted advisor

 

Becoming a trusted advisor is not a walk in the park, especially if you live in a cold climate, a very hot climate, or there is no parking near the park  in which you wish to walk. 

Herein, I will spell out what I have done to become a trusted advisor to  four of my most difficult of clients: our CEO Stan, our CFO Mr. Herr Krebbs, our R&D DireKtor Comrade Karl Marks, and to our nerd population, which are a random bunch of immigrants who eat spicy food, quarrel and whinge all the time.

The first principle is "positioning your communication". So, for example, when I cut 20% off compensation for "working at home" (teletrabajo) , I tell CEO Stan and Herr Krebbs that they will get more for less; I tell Comrade Karl that those nerds who have no home can work from the office, and I tell the nerds that they will be able to spend more time at home learning English from their offspring.

The second principle of becoming a trusted advisor is "never, almost never, betray trust". When I found out that CEO Stan was dipping his wick, as it were, I told his wife that he was working hard on tax issues with one of our auditors, Ms Bressler. When I  saw Mister Herr Krebbs exiting a sado club, I greeted him on the fly and asked him what the dollar exchange rate is for the Euro. And when Comrade Karl went for a job interview for the Mossad, I asked him casually and  by the way, if he thinks that getting paid in Israeli currency is a good idea, given the 3 mortgages he is paying his 5 ex-wives.

The third principle is becoming a trusted advisor is balancing between conflicting demands. Between honesty and stupidity; naivete and survival, daily and often; American and worldly; business and people; compensation and bankruptcy. I implement the balancing act especially well for our nerds. Eg- Our 360 degree feedback process is almost fully (60% minus 31) discrete. Eg-our "get a green card faster by working 3 years in one" is a huge success.

My Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to say Stalin said a secret is something that two people know, and one of them is dead. So I beg of you-please don't share my professional secrets of success with too many people.

Tak.