Yes it's true. We are indeed hiring. Our customer service centre is being beefed up as our clients return to work only to discover that Comrade Carl's latest software release is not "fully functional" for the less sophisticated client.
98% percent of our clients are not sophisticated and the other 4% are "total idiots", as per Comrade Carl's unbiased judgement. "Our product is a pearl; we don't need service agents-we need clients with half a brain", claimed Carl.
All in all, we are hiring 4 customer service nerds. Each nerd must speak English and three other tribal languages, be willing to provide his or her passport for safekeeping in the HR vault, be motivated by non-financial parameters and willing to deposit a urine and stool sample monthly to alleviate all suspicion of substance abuse.
Each nerd goes thru the following screening process:
A Zoom interview, during which we examine if we can understand his or her broken English.
A medical exam conducted by Teams, including a deep cavity search, to establish willingness of the nerd to accept the arbitrary nature of authority.
Sign on a document that states allegiance to core values of "people first, task later, but not necessarily in that order".
Interview of wife/spouse/husband/whatever to examine alignment with our non-Scandinavian expectations of work/life balance.
A sexual-drive test to determine willing of the nerd to sacrifice lusts for the good of client satisfaction.
Then the nerd is transferred to Ms Cynthia Axe, who signs them on an a priori severance agreement; finally it's over to Hugh White (the white boy who runs our Inclusion Project) who checks the colour/creed/sexual preference for our Diversity data base, located in our Swiss blockchain.
Finally, the nerd starts her, or his, internship which is compensation-free but includes a hot meal each week as well as pizza with extra cheese after 3 am.
What is my role, one may ask? One may ask, but I may not necessarily answer.
