The end of white privilege

The ever so unreliable Hugh White

When I opened my email this morning, I almost died. I stress almost. I'm still around.

There was an email in my inbox from Hugh White, the straight white boy who manages Diversity and Inclusion, addressed to our CEO Stan. 

Stan is what you would call a white boy, as white a sheet, who studied at Yale to boot. Voila, here is what he wrote.

From: Hugh White

To: CEO Stan

CC: Gloria

BCC: all

Stan,

I have been watching the Kavanaugh hearings. Suddenly, I feel a strange sense of empowerment. I hear God (or one of his assistants)  telling me that the end of white privilege is upon us.

Since I was hired, I feel like a fig leaf, hiring a few disabled people here and there, and training our staff to show respect to one another, even if they eat smelly oily food. But now, I feel that my time has come to make an impact.

Isn't it time that we hire members of the management team who don't speak good English? Isn't it time that people of colour were hired not only  in development teams, the parking lot and facilities? Isn't it time we close down for Jewish holidays in September so we can have vacations like the French? Isn't it time that all managers bring their report cards from school and prove how smart they were?

And I want to be honest with you Stan my boy. Gloria is my boss and I am fine with that. But just as easy, I could be her boss. HR is dominated by very assertive females like Gloria; even though Gloria herself is white, this too must end. My wife Ludmilla told me it must end rather quickly. She means business.

Finally Stan, just to be clear. I was a virgin until I was 14, then I had a mishap. A minor one. I drank Canada Dry at home and Heineken at parties. And on occasion, a Labatt Blue, Brewmeister or Stella.

Thank you for taking the time to read this epistle. Looking forward to a bright future, free from the chains of oppression.

Yours,

Hugh White

The Dutch Experience

Wassen-Knippen in Holland

This year was the first time I took vacation since I became Executive Senior Vice President of Human Resources aka Chief People Person. I spent 8 days in the Netherlands, aka Holland. Before I left, I locked the door of my office and took 6 cellphones and 13 batteries so that I could stay "au courant" with what's happening at the office.

Yes, I know that I have used aka twice.

Comrade Carl- "So what?"

Upon my return to work today, I found Comrade Carl Marks (our chief nerd) was sitting in my office. The 21 pictures of my dear old Dad, Pierre Elliot, had been replaced by pictures of Mister Joseph Stalin, Marshall Zhukov and Comrade Lazar Kaganovitz. "Don't worry, Gloria", sprouted Carl, "I know that you are back; I'm moving out. I just wanted to prove that I can do both your job and mine. I learnt that HR is not much when there is no one to fire or brainwash".

On the wall
Kaganovitz

As Carl was taking down his photos and removing his clutter from my desk, he told that "Holland is an interesting place. The ladies in De Wallen make more that most HR executives and work far less. And they are unionized to boot, which is something that one would expect from Sweden. And there is no private parking, Gloria. If you were Dutch, you would be driving a fucking bike to work, even in the winter."

 Marshall Zhukov on the wall

I asked Comrade Carl if he wanted to hear about my vacation. He said, "let me finish, Gloria, kibinimat".

"The joints in Holland are high quality. The joints are almost as good as the cheese. I think the government there has things right-if you can't beat it, tax it. Not like those stupid puritan two faced Americans who fight wars against the human lusts like drugs, sex, pleasure, sex and sex, and dump a president who pays a hooker a small fee to shut the fuck up."

I reminded Comrade Carl that he is American.

"So what, Gloria, you are Canadian and you are not a socialist. You screw the working class."

Then Comrade Carl kissed me on the forehead, took his gear and departed. "I missed you Gloria, but Miss Axe can do your job and she dresses very scantily, like many of those Russian, Ukrainian, Romanian and lovely gaunt Albanian women in De Wallen".

Back at work