Do Germans write perfect software?

Software as an art

Our CEO Stan's ire was indescribable when a trade magazine labelled our latest software release as "shabby and tatty piecework". The author of the article called for a "shake up "of our company at the highest levels.

Stan called a management meeting this morning; he opened the meeting asking me (as his senior business partner) "how many Germans work in R&D; I've heard that they write perfect software and their UX (user experience) is better than most sexual experiences because of Mentalitatsbrucken."

Before I could answer Stan (that we have only one German in our company, that being  CFO Herr Krebbs), our R&D chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks jumped into the discussion with vigour.

"Gentlemen and Gloria," he said. "if someone claims that they have never pissed in the pool, they have either never swam, or they are liars. No one writes perfect software. Not the Germans, not the Indians, not the sloppy Middle Easterners and not even the Swiss. Software is an art, and artists have style not only rigeur. Many so called bugs are indeed features". 

Stan our CEO, asked me what "riguer" meant, since I am Canadian. But Carl yelled at me "don't answer Gloria, I am in the middle of my explanation".

Stan bellowed, "Comrade Carl, I'm the one who gives the orders around here for Christ sake".

Comrade Carl retorted, "I know that Stan, but Friedrich Paulus lead the siege of Stalingrad, and where did that get him?"

We finished the meeting with an action item to celebrate Denmark Day twice a week, to lesson the tension in our senior team.

Just as we were adjourning, CFO Herr Krebbs said that whilst indeed Germans do not write perfect software, "ze company "cout (could) benefeet frrrom more discipline. Ja".

Sexual Harassment and the HR Lady

Dear old Dad

For the sake of my readers who may come from liberal democracies run by pushy women like me, I have put together my weltanschauung on the sexual harassment  issue based on input from my Dad, my boss and Comrade Carl Marks, the  chief nerd with an affinity for all things Russian. (Isn't that "w" word the cats' pyjamas! It's German!)

One's reaction to sexual harassment is heavily influenced by one's surroundings, if you ask me. And one's personal style plays a big part of how to deal with the men who hound you all day. I, for example, like to get a lot of mileage from the issues I deal with, from a power perspective. 

Dad told me from day one, "Gloria, men only want one thing; never forget that", I used to ask Dad what he meant and he would answer, "don't be a smart ass, Gloria. You know what the hell I mean". Of course I did! I may not read Descartes with my morning coffee, but I am not stupid.

At the beginning of this year, our CEO Stan called me in for a meeting "to provide you with some focus for your 2017 goals ". Stan told me that I need not "dot the I's and cross the T's, from a sexual harassment perspective." When I asked Stan what he meant, Stan told me he doesn't mind being sexually harassed by young Svetlana Grudovic (from the Bot team) and that as CEO, he wants to keep abreast of downsizer Ms Cynthia Axe.

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, told me that "sexual repression is the major enabler of poor software. We need to stop mimicking the puritan Americans and just go with the flow, kibinimat". Comrade Carl often lectures to his nerds, telling them that buying sex is cheaper than free sex, from the point of view of an economist.

Comrade Carl then added "Gloria, your legs are something else, but you are not my style. Find yourself a rich husband, or rich male bot and get the fuck out of HR."

I will present my "cut" on sexual harassment  at Oxford in my very first lecture, coming soon. I will lecture in Latin; an English translation will be provided.

Keeping abreast