Build a culture to support dispersed development

Great Expectations

I suspect that Comrade Carl Marks (our chief nerd) may have changed the dosage of his Lexapro/Cipralex from 10 to 20 mg. He has been manic for about a week, talking endlessly about creating a culture to support "dispersed development".

"Let's go out for breakfast Gloria, my dear". That in itself was a bit strange because it was 4 PM. I told Carl that I eat breakfast at 6 am, and he replied, "Kibinimat Gloria, that's the point. It's 8 am in Tehran and we need to change the way we do business in order to support dispersed development".

My Dad, Pierre Elliot, had mentioned the city of Tehran when I was growing up. Before Khomeini returned from Paris to Eye-ran, Dad used to say. "the west better knock this guy off, or we are in for a lot of trouble". I do not think Dad knew how right he was.

Out for breakfast we went. Comrade Carl ate some Danish licorice, bacon, a bagel and a glass of red wine. I ordered a diet Zero, in line with my core values of eating breakfast in the morning.

Comrade Carl said to me, "Gloria, in dispersed development, everyone needs to trust everyone else. I have a lot of Poles, Israelis, Russians and Chinese working for me, and they sure don't trust as easily as our naive Americans. However Gloria, the problem is not hiring more white-Americans as you would think, but rather enabling an organizational architecture which supports an environment that allows nerds to virtually transcend cultural difference in the metaphysical sense".

I almost coughed up my Zero. Carl ordered more wine with a buttermilk pancake and continued.

"Gloria, get on the same page with me, kibinimat. Move beyond transactional Machiavellian HR. Emulate the great transformers of our time. Have you ever read about Obama's leading from behind, or the Battle of Stalingrad"?

I knew then that the Comrade had zonked out. As we walked back to the office, he asked me if I thought Greenland should be independent.  

The take away of this is that HR professionals must master some psychiatry. There are many short webinars I can recommend.

Webinar to master psychiatry

Three Years of Gloria

3 years and 400000 readers, even from Brunei and Denmark

It has been 3 years since I began this blog in order to spread my HR thought leadership worldwide, "from an HR perspective". In the course of these three years, I have learnt a lot.

·       I always thought Brunei was spelt with an A; to be honest I did not even know it existed!

·       I thought it was a self-evident truth that having a fat monthly salary is better than a series of gigs; it appears times are changing.

·       I thought that we all agreed that a "slogan a day means HR's here to stay." Notice-no use of big data in this post.

·       And I always thought that abolishing performance evaluation was akin to the Roman Catholic Church abandoning the Vatican, Judaism allowing everyone to eat whatever they want, and/or England replacing English with a more tribal language like Russian, Danish, Chinese or Yoruba.

 As my Dad Pierre Elliot used to say, "live and learn".

اذا عرف السبب، بطل العجب

From the feedback that I receive, I do observe that people are catching on to what I say, from an "HR perspective".

·       Fear as an agile engagement tool is still in a part of the "great leader toolbox".

·       The ladies of HR are focused on business, data, analytics and organizing People Day on a quarterly basis.

·       Diversity means compliance, a few handicapped people at the switchboard, and allowing for some accented English in ze verk place.

·       Downsizing remains a core competency, best executed by Skype or text message, under the White American auspices of Ms. Cynthia Axe.

This coming year, I will reach the half million readers mark. Many of my readers speak English as a first language! So I must be doing something right.

And one small word of advice, if you want to enter HR, learn to text quickly as a Machiavellian transactional platform.

Thanks to all my readers, large and small.

ps-A word from the author. Gloria is a work of love. I do this just for the fun of it, and to prevent getting an ulcer.

C’est cela l’amour, tout donner, tout sacrifier sans espoir de retour.

That is love, to give away everything, to sacrifice everything, without the slightest desire to get anything in return.

Albert Camus

? מתי לא כדאי לענות לאימייל

מרקסיסט ונרקסיסט
English version

 אני ראש אגף משאבי אנוש בחברה המעניקה חשיבות מירבית ל"גורם אנושי". ביום ג השלישי לכל חודש, אנו חוגגים PEOPLE DAY !

יחד עם זאת, אין כל צורך להגיב לכל אימייל מכל שכיר מטומטם, שמועסק אצלינו. הרי כל חנון יודע שמנהלת משאבי אנוש חייבת להיות ממוקדת במנכ"ל!

בהתאם לערך היסוד שלנו "People", עצבתי שיטה המבוססת על Bigdata לגבי הסוגיה- למי מגיעה ולמי לא מגיעה תשובה לדוא"ל. (המונח "ביגדאטה" ממש מגרה אותי).

השיטה מבוססת על מחקר קטנציק שביצעו  גברת סמדי גר-זן (ענף הקצוצים והקציצות) ומר גוון לבן (מנהל אגף העסקת מוגבלים). גוון הוא גבר אשכנזי סטרייט.

הגברת גר-זן (Cynthia Axe) והאדון  גוון לבן (Hugh White) הכינו לי זבלה של עבודת מטה, שנאלצתי לשפץ בהתאם לערך היסוד שלי "קידום עצמי". להלן עקרונות השיטה:

יש לענות על מייל בתנאיים הבאים-

·      מהמנכ"ל

·      מהחבר קארל מרקס, איש מרקסיטי ונרקסיסטי

·      אימייל שקשור לקריירה שלי, במובן החיובי .....

·      מיילים מאתר ההיכרויות לאנשים איכותיים

·      מייל עם המונח "ביגדאטה"  כולל דפי הסברה מ"יש עתיד"

 אין לענות על מייל בתנאיים הבאים-

·      מחפשי עבודה למיניהם

·      תשובות שליליות למועמדים

·      עובדים שמתקרצצים

·      ספקי הדרכה

·      מנהלים בדרג התיכון 

קידום עצמי

מסורת מפוברקת ככלי מנהיגותי

                                        

אופטימיות כערך

         English Version                                            

מנהל הפיתוח ,החבר (טובריש) קרל מארקס, הזמין אותי ואת המנכ"ל שלנו סטאן (Stan) לישיבת הצוות שלו שהתקיימה בחדר הישיבות על שם יוסף סטאלין.

מטרת הפגישה הייתה להגביר את המוטיבציה והאכפתיות (engagement). לשם כך, קארל סיפר על ההצלחה הכבירה של המוצרים ששיחררנו לאחרונה לשוק; "קהל משתמשים אדיר נוהר לרכוש את  כל פרי עמלינו - הלקוחות שלנו מאושרים כמו חזירים בחרא".

קארל הוסיף-"לנו אין מתחרים-לא בחווית המשתמש ולא בגמישות. במידה ואכן יש בעיות, זה לא שייך לאגף שלנו אלא לאגף המכירות. עלו והצליחו ובמידה ואגף משאבי אנוש לא מעניק לכם בונוסים, פנו אלי ונקים ועד-קיבינימט! "

המנכ"ל המבוהל פנה אלי בלחישה- "גלוריה-האם החבר קארל מתייעץ עם רופא מומחה בדבר איזון התרופות שלו? " עניתי לו בחיוב-בהתאם לערכי היסוד שלי-אופטימיות יתרה.

בזמן הישיבה, החנונים של אגף הפיתוח שלחו ווטסאפים, שיחקו בפלאפונים שלהם ונימנמו .החנונים (nerds) כמעט ולא מבינים את המבטא הרוסי הכבד  של קארל. אך כשהחבר קארל סיים לדבר, מחאו לו כפיים וזרקו עליו אורז כמינהג המזרח.

לאחר הישיבה, סטאן, קארל ואנוכי יצאנו לשתות קפה. סטאן, שיודע לדבר עברית רהוטה, אמר לקארל ש"אתה מבלבל את הביצים-אף מילה חיובית מלקוחות לא שמענו במשך 10 שנים".

החבר קארל הסתכל על הבוס שלו בזעם בלתי עצור, במובן החיובי של המילה. "סטאן-למי בכלל אכפת האמת? האמת מענינת ת'תחת שלי! רק מסורת מפוברקת גורמת להקרבה עצמית . קדימה צעד!".

קארל הזמין כוס וודקא ועישן סיגר.

                                                              

מסורת מפובקת כערך

I am taking 5 minute webinar on neuroscience and HR

Adapt or die

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, gave a charismatic presentation in our senior management meeting today. I love senior leadership meetings, because they make me feel that HR is more than just people.

The goal of his presentation was to have been "the challenges of outsourcing key capabilities to non English speaking nerds", but the Comrade explained that due to conceptual constraints, he would address "another more pertinent issue, ie how HR is lagging behind in user experience due to lack of knowledge in neuroscience". 

Our CEO Stan did not make any comment on Carl's change of agenda. As of late, Stan is behind in his work. By mistake, Stan brought his jar of Preparation H to the serene mahogany table around which we have our senior management meeting.

Carl spoke for 5 hours using a slide pack of 387 power point slides.

Although my key core value is brevity,  I cannot sum up all what Comrade Carl talked about, because I was texting my sister during the meeting and lost focus. But I will provide some juicy quotes.

1) We all agree that modern neuroscience has made it clear that software nerds do not give a rat's ass about the product that they are developing, rather they care just about the code that they are writing. So we need to stop all these HR engagement programs and create a better ux.

2) The modern brain has 8 main bones. So why are our HR processes and procedures brainless? What good are these bones without a brain, from an engineers' perspective? 

3) Neuroscience findings and common sense clearly show that clients don't need to be satisfied via ux. They need to take what they are given, and be charged for changes in functionality and operability. Therefore, HR needs to change the culture away from customer satisfaction.

During the presentation, Stan left the room 5 times and remained standing during most of the meeting. When the comrade finished. Stan said, "that's impressive Comrade Carl, but is this a manifestation of true leadership on your part? Jesus H Christ Carl, why doesn't our fucking product work?"

What I like most about our management meetings is that quality of WiFi which allows me to text constantly. 

I will sign up for a short five minute wow webinar on neuroscience. 

Follow me @gramsbottom

Corona Virus means change to Travel and Wellness Procedures

A firms' health is a firms wealth, so to speak

Our CEO Stan is very mindful of health issues. Suffering as he does from hemorrhoids, there is always a jar of Preparation H on his desk, next to a picture of his dear Wifey.

Stan is very worried about the Corona virus and its impact on the "bottom" line, not in the sense of hemorrhoids. "Gloria, 87% of our sales activity  takes place in Asia. No one in the western world will ever buy our product until it is more stable, not even Sweden which tends to be liberal to the point of self destruction. So, as my HR business partner, please ensure that sales activity (including travel to China) goes on as usual whilst the firm is perceived as caring about health". 

I was about to leave the room  when Stan added, "Gloria, send me risk analysis based on big data about the number nerds who are or will be exposed to that nasty but not so deadly virus, and prepare a retention bonus which will allow them to keep on working". 

Heavens, I thought to myself, but then got control of my emotions, in line with my core values of  self control and HR business partnership. 

I also dutifully updated our TWP (travel and wellness policy) with the following 5 items: 

1) Unmasked sexual activity is frowned upon in the next few quarters, unless it takes place in Canada, the US, Britain, Chad, France or Denmark.

2) Travel to the Orient can be dangerous, unless you pick up a mask and hygienic gloves and "Ramsbottom Lotion", available at the pharmacy. Call the HR hotline, and press CV for details.  

3) Nerds who were graded "exceeds expectations" will be provided with a skilled footman for their Asian travel.

4) HR supports health and wellness. Stan truly does care et il sait faire, which rhymes.

5) Anyone who wants big data on our stretch goals, press SG.

.

I should spend less time on urgent matters