Travel policy for pregnant men and women

                                                                    Let them eat cake

                                                               qu'ils mangent de la brioche 

A pregnant internet of things nerd named Svetlana (with good English despite her name) approached me today and asked about a travel policy issue. She needs to go to San Francisco for a week; she is based in Toronto, which is in Canada. Svetlana asked to travel by plane.

Our present travel policy provides reimbursement for Greyhound bus trips within the US and Canada as well as economy class tickets on all major discounted "ethnic" carriers like Air Turkmenistan, Air Italia, SAS and El Al for international travel.

I sent the pregnant Svetlana to our venerable down-sizing diva Ms Cynthia Axe, who was not in her office and was not answering her Iphone 4.

I redirected  young Svetlana to Mr. Hugh White, the white, bizarre, heterosexual boy who runs Diversity. When Hugh noticed that the employee was white and in no way irregular besides being pregnant, he referred Svetlana back to me.

I texted Stan: "Stan, do I have any flexibility on travel policy with pregnant employees on Toronto-San Francisco trip? 

Gloria Lemieux, Chief People Officer".

After I received Stan's answer, I texted the answer to the aforesaid Svetlana.....who will be going round trip in a comfortable Greyhound bus.

• We support pregnancies, especially for women (and men) who do not work for us, (but not only)!
• We encourage pregnant employees to live a fulfilling life, and in no way feel "discriminated" against.
• HR supports pregnant women' (and men) struggle for be equal partners in our "passion to win"-driven company."
• Greyhound has a 1800 number to pre-book seats. Supply Chain will provide this number upon proof of pregnancy.

Follow me on Twitter @GRamsbottom

The term business partnership gets me sexually aroused

Texting words of re-engagement to our slovenly engineers

On Friday. a certain Ms Cynthia Axe, Head of our  Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Plan, re-sized R&D from 350 bums down to 288 heads, in line with our core values of "HR business partnership". The term "business partner" gets me sexually aroused.

I will  provide the newly "liberated engineers" with some soft-skill coaching-via-text on the weekend, to soften the landing in a humane fashion, in line with my core value constant self-promotion.

CEO Stan texted me and cc'd a certain Ms Cynthia Axe, whose photo appears below.

• "Glo, I do not want to see any despondency and foot dragging when we all get in on Monday. I want folks fully re engaged "by  Wednesday". "And Glo", he followed up by with a second text,"I will hold your sexy feet to the fire if I do not see a passion to win by the end of the week". (I never knew Stan gawked at my legs.)

Axe (Cynthia) and I brainstormed-here is the plan.

• EVERY employee will get text a text message saying : "To cool Stan's rage, let's re-engage"!
• Paper cups will be replaced by cups with our outdated logo. Each cup will be engraved with:  Stan's patience is thin, show a passion to win."
• On the elevators and bulletin boards, we will show our forecast of  ax-pected growth for 2018 with the slogan: Bust your butt, or we'll be in a rut.
• Asap, our entire staff will have a weekend in Damascus to build team spirit. Damascus is in Syria. ( Assad, btw, has a very long neck.)

Axe (Cynthia)

You can follow me on Twitter @GRamsbottom

Risk management in HR

Stan, CEO & Acting R&D Manager

Comrade Carl Marks is our R&D director as well as live-in boyfriend of  Carla, CEO Stan's daughter, who just gave birth to a daughter named Charlotte. (Stan still asks me why did Carl "do this" to Carla.)

Comrade Carl is taking a week off for paternity leave, starting today. 

My attempt to find a temporary replacement among Carl's direct reports was semi non wow, and thus, CEO Stan is filling in for Carl.

Stan has asked for HR business partnership support this upcoming week. These are the major challenges he faces-

1) Stan claims that he has "partial" technical knowledge. (Stan has an MA in Finance, and cannot even turn off his Blackberry)

2) Stan has problems with understanding foreign accents and our R&D department consists of Indians, Israeliens, Chinese and a gang of 50 Russians, all of them named Vlad.

3) Stan has no patience and most R&D documents are longer than the average text message.

4) Stan has an extreme attention span deficit, except when it comes to downsizing, and cost effective lasagna, prepared by his private chef, K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein. 

I do not plan to be Stan's HR business partner during Carl's leave. I am going "up" to Canada for Dad's memorial day.

Ms Axe will support Stan.

Btw, this is the 3rd time this year I have returned to Moose Jaw Canada for Dad's memorial day. This is in line with my core values of reputation risk management.

Supporting Stan!

Follow me on Twitter @GRamsbottom

CEO asks down-sizer Axe to put "more skin in the game"

Mlle Cynthia Axe

Not enough skin?

CEO Stan texted me urgently at 0400 AM; he asked me to be in the office at 7 am! Ciboire! 

When I arrived, he was eating some cost effective lasagna leftovers whilst reviewing his "slide pack" for a meeting he has with the chairman today at noon.

Stan does not like these meetings. He does not view the Chairman as his business partner.

Only I am his true business partner, Stan has told me. (I get sexually aroused when he tells me this, although Stan is pretty revolting).

Why did Stan want to talk, you may ask? Stan noticed that our head count is diminishing only at 4.21% a month, and he noted that 88% of people "set free and liberated" speak pretty good English with no traceable accent, "which was not in the game plan, Gloria".

Stan also noticed that con-calls are harder and harder to understand due to what he calls "changing demographics". Comrade Carl Marks, who heads R&D and understands all accents, told Stan to "see an ear specialist".

At 9 am I returned to my office. Stan texted me at 09.01: "Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux; get your underling, the down-sizer Cynthia Axe, to put some skin in the game, for Christ's sake.-Stan".

Stan and I have just taken our pictures for our new webpage-mais oui!

Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux

Senior Vice President HR

Mais oui!

Stan CEO

Eating +K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein's' cost effective lasagna

+K Ray has mixed ethnicity.

Photo expressing teamwork and HR business partnership

HR Business Partnership

A votre service

This is the official photo of the HR Department that was hung is each cubicle this morning, HR's gift to calming frayed nerves, ensuring staffs' feeling that they are in good hands and radiating optimism.

Ms Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux, on the left, is giving direction via text; Ms Cynthia Axe, on the right, is waiting patiently, in a dignified manner, for instructions. Ms Axe is pondering the human condition.

Hugh White, the heterosexual white boy who runs Diversity, is so white that he does not shown up in the photo.

תודה לניקול גוטמן Thanks to Nicolle!

Poor teamwork: Cynthia Axe and Hugh White clash

Ms Axe is high maintenance

Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement Program Manager) and Hugh White (the white heterosexual boy who runs Diversity) came to my office and ask me to "put things in order".

I was sending some text messages and after 20 minutes, when compassion overcame me, I shepherded them in my room. 

Hugh had tears in his eyes when he gawked at my Blackberry Passport.

It appears that Hugh and Cynthia have "role ambiguity" which causes poor teamwork, as per Hugh's definition. 

I will quote what each side told me: 

• Hugh: "In the process of downsizing minorities and normative-challenged staff, I need more say to ensure the process is in line with our key value of Diversity". 
• Cynthia: "Get that weirdo off my back, Gloria".

Leadership has always been one of my strong points;  I asked Hugh if he wanted some work in Supply Chain, and I asked Cynthia if she wanted me to inform her father, the Reverend Oliver Axe, that she was now living with her third life partner in as many weeks.

I have been told that Ms Axe and Mr White are getting along fine.

Etiquette as HR ticket

Etiquette-the new HR Ticket

The myopic Ms Cynthia Axe, initiated a program whereby employees fire one another instead of this task being routed via HR.

The results of this plan are a semi wow, and have included long email threads with finger-pointing, 2 fist fights, and a mild innocuous car bomb threat.

In the last 24 hours, HR has decided on "upgrading the level of etiquette" in our company. (Etiquette is French). I involved Hugh White in "Operation Etiquette". Hugh is the white heterosexual lad who heads Diversity.

We issues the NEG (new etiquette guidelines), which were sent to all our staff by text, WhatsApp, Viber and BBM. Voila:

1) Vendors must grovel when talking to staff from Supply Chain.

2) From now on, HR will be referred to as HR business partner. Pejoratives are discouraged.

3) When arguing, speak English with a British accent to remain civil.

4) When referring to Cynthia, "the right honourable Ms Axe" is to be used.

5) I am to be referred to as Gloria, ma'am. The French can call me Mme Lemieux. Chief People Officer is also fine. 

6) A meeting with CEO Stan or with me is to be referred to as an "audience".

Downsizing is less important than we thought, this week

Solidarity is more important than big data

There has been some collateral damage since Miss Axe from HR launched her incentive plan for staff to fire one another, in order to increase user experience.

The symptoms of this damage are long email threads with finger-pointing, 2 fist fights, and a mild innocuous car bomb threat.

When Axe launched this incentive plan, the collateral damage was unforeseen by the myopic Ms Axe, who is showing a lack of managerial maturity with more and more pecuniary demands. Axe's intern, Ms Georgette Chomage, appears no more mature than Ms Axe. Georgette even asked me for a Blackberry Priv. (She, like so many of the French, seem to be union-oriented).

Stan told me that "dealing with the collateral damage of this "idiotic plan" is just as important as sloganizing." And Stan added: "Dealing with this damage is even more important than driving our vendors into receivership".

I have brought Hugh White, the naive, heterosexual white boy who runs Diversity, into the picture. Hugh White, full of slogans and a firm believer in appreciative inquiry, intrinsic motivation and teamwork, has been tasked with improving solidarity of the "working class" within a week. White will deal with all employees on this issue, not only irregular employees.

Viral Downsizing Marketing Initiative

Downsizing: Viral Gangman Style

Mais oui!

In an 20 minute HR offsite today which I facilitated in my office with most mobile phones silent some of the time, it was decided on the Viral Downsizing Marketing Initiative.

The meeting was attended by a certain Ms Cynthia Axe, yours truly, and the reluctant Caucasian heterosexual who heads Diversity, Hugh White.

Here are the details of this initiative, to be launched... by text today.

1) Every candidate for our Early Bird Retirement Plan who provides the names of one other useless employee gets a membership card free of charge for the Retirement Club. The card has a picture of Kim Jong Un`s beloved Uncle Jang.

Uncle Jang, about to retire

2) Every nerd who provides the name of two useless employees gets an anti stress message from a certain Cynthia Axe for a reduced fee, yet to be determined.

3) If the"useless employee(s)" have a poor English accent, the referring employee gets a square of cost-effective lasagna, prepared by our CEO Stan's personal chef, K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein. K. Ray has mixed ethnicity.

4) People is my middle name on Tuesdays. The other days-j`men calice. This is a random thought, not part of the marketing plan. (J'men calice means I don't give a fuck, in French)

6) Blockchain engineers  are exempt from this initiative since our CEO gets sexually when he hears the term blockchain.

Follow me on Twitter @GRamsbottom

4 steps to downsize painlessly

Chomage

In order to cope effectively with the massive re-sizing/reshaping in Q1, Ms Cynthia Axe has reorganized her Early Bird Retirement Program. 

The reorganization has 4 changes.

Ms Axe is an integral part of the HR team, although she has been chosen as the most hated employee of the year for 5 straight years. (I apologize to heterosexual, Caucasian Diversity Chief Hugh White for misusing the word "straight".)

Change 1:

Georgette Chomage-Pitoune, a "temp", will ensure that staff who are lined up for their "final talk" with Cynthia are both civil and appreciative. 

Chomage-Pitoune studied kick-boxing and mediation; presently, she is an HR intern.

Change 2:

Mr Hugh White, the aforementioned white heterosexual who runs Diversity, will "grant release" all irregular employees who are downsized, in line with our core value of "equal treatment" for the Diverse.

Change 3:

An elite club will be established for people under 30 with a PhD and/or an MSc who are joining the Early Bird Retirement Plan.

The name of the Club is the Uncle Jang Alumni Club; semi-compulsory registration to this prestigious club is $5.

Change 4:

I will serve as Georgette's mentor and coach but in no way will undermine the overzealous and cunning Ms Axe.

Uncle Jang Alumi Club-

Not of interest to our employees

Minor adjustments

This is a compensation-related text message sent to all managers today at 12.00 Boston/Ottawa time. However, there is no need to bring the details of this text to the attention of our employees, since the issues are minor and there is no need to distract anyone from achieving our wow stretch goals.

"As we all focus on achieving our stretch goals for Q1, please note:

1- The location of our new parking facilities have been adjusted to enable more axe-rcise.

2-Lunch menus have been adjusted to allow for all tribal tastes to be satisfied, and the new $2 a portion "Diversity Tax" is automatically deducted for all tribal meals, eaten or not. Bon apetit. (That's French)

3-Cynthia Axe announces a new Alumni Club for folks who have been downsized in her Early Bird Retirement Plan. 

The name of the Club is "Ancien élève: Jang Song-thaek" or The Uncle Jang Alumnus Club.

All employees and axed-employees to get a membership card at $4 a card, deducted from salary/pension fund.

Examples of what type of pictures can, and cannot, be displayed in cublices

Banned-Sheep belong in the wild

Approved: promotes HR Business Partnership

To be hung in all rooms: educational and promotes respect of Stan

3 problem areas to be addressed by master chef techiques

Haute Cuisine-That's French

CEO Stan texted me today: "We have 3 problem areas; fix them in a week. Stan"

The areas Stan wanted me to fix are-

1) Senior Management Team: verbal abuse between all members of the team and lack of respect for CEO Stan.

  2) Sales and R&D: fire bombing and "necklacing"  between the groups.

  3) The HR team: lack of popularity, especially due to the Head of Early Bird Retirement, Ms Cynthia Axe.

As HR Business Partner, I have an ability to start to solve all issues within 15 seconds of getting a text message. Here is what I did!

I had a breakfast meeting with K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein (Stan's chef)  for breakfast. He prepared "oeufs pochés" (poached eggs) and some left over lasagna. I asked for a croissant and K Ray obliged. He buttered it for me.

I mentioned to K Ray that the plan helps him to become a profit centre, pronto. That's not French.

K Ray and I will launch a 5 Minute master-chef cooking course for each of the 3 problem groups. 

K Ray will teach the cooking, and I will facilitate the "transfer of training".

The expected "take-aways" are:

• Senior management will cook pizzas to throw at one another.
• Sales and R&D will cook baked beans, so they will stay away from one another.
• HR will cook apple pie and hand it out to all employee who send a "text of praise" about HR to Stan.

Supply Chain will work on internal transfer pricing, so that both K Ray and HR are sustainable profit centres.

HR's has a policy of vendor-free Organizational Development.  So, HR will deal with all problems single handedly, in line with our core values of self reliance geared to survival.

Big data - Gloria denied visa to Saudi Arabia

Did they think I was Jewish?                                                                       Mecca is off

                                                                  Did they think I was Jewish?
                                                                      Mecca is off

A vile (and heinous)  text was circulated today by text, Whatsapp, BBM, Yahoo Messenger, email and Google Talk to all employees in our company except me. The message was signed by R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks. The name of the message was : Big Data-blockchain based.

Even the folks in Supply Chain stopped squeezing vendors to read it. 

How did I find out what was written in this text? 

I wandered by the desk of heterosexual Hugh White, the white boy who runs Diversity and "noticed" the following   text message on his phone.

The text read: "Gloria has been denied a visa to Saudi Arabia, and no one knows why-perhaps Gloria is not aligned with our core value of transparency. This is big data. Has Gloria been inciting the ladies of Saudia to drive? Is Gloria an Iranian mole? Is she a member of the Mossad?"

I detest communication which is almost not accurate, especially if it is blockchain based.. This Saudi whole affair has been taken out of context, as it were. 

I consulted  my coach, who also deals in faith healing and pumps gas. And he wanted me to put things straight, so here we go.

1) There was a time when I was interested in Womens` Rights, (before I became an HR business partner and subsequently noticed that pregnancies interfere with meeting wow wow wow stretch goals.)

2) When I was studying in Secretaries Academy (in Montreal), the Saudi ambassador did come and visit the Academy. At the time, I was co-Chairwoman of ``Liberté pour les femmes saoudiennes`` (Freedom for Saudi Women). I did not have an opinion about women drivers, then or now.

3) I was indeed chosen to greet the ambassador when he visited (I am from English Canada, but I speak French and I also know a few words in Arabic, which my Dad taught me.)

Dad served in the Mid East in the R.C.A.F (Royal Canadian Air Force).

4) I may have misunderstood the meaning of a few of the Arabic phrases Dad taught me, when I addressed the Minister.

5)  As the first lady of HR, I am fully globally compliant;  I know that Saudi Arabia does not welcome certain ethnicities with open arms, but I am not Jewish. (I do however like bagels and cream cheese for breakfast).

6) I have now spruced up my Arabic in a short webinar; were I to meet the ambassador again, I probably would rephrase a bit of what I said. Or more than a bit, perhaps.

7) I will reapply for a visa and dress appropriately, in line with my core value of building a power base globally. And I won't drive. I will hire a driver from Pakistan or Nepal.

I am not Russian-so Stan can pronounce my name

                                                 

                                                                  I'm lucky I am not Russian

                                                                  Je ne suis pas russe; grace a dieu

After the blowup between R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks and our CEO Stan, which was read by 51,000 people in 3 days, CEO Stan decided to mentor Comrade Carl's key staff. This was done  in "loose" coordination with Comrade Carl and in wow wow wow coordination with me, Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux, Chief People Officer.

Stan chose Comrade Svetlana as the first employee he wants to mentor. Svetlana is the Chief System Architect.

During the mentoring session, I got 3 text messages from Stan: "Gloria, I cannot understand what Svetlana is saying. When did she get off the boat? Stan".

After the mentoring session, Svetlana came to my room. I was sending a text message; Svetlana  waited patiently for 30 minutes. When compassion overcame me and I let her in, Svetlana asked to be transferred to another mentor. 

When I asked why, I learnt that Stan had said to her:  "I will call you Sweat." 

Svetlana added:  "When I told him to try to pronounce my name properly,  he told me "to take up the issue with the white heterosexual, Diversity Chief Hugh White, who deals with sexuality and many other issues linked to non-normative behaviour and irregular names".

I suggested  to Svetlana that she meet with Cynthia Axe, Head of Early Bird Involuntary Retirement.

Stan sent me a text just now: "Gloria, get Sweatlana a name I can pronounce Thx. Stan".

When I think back, the two week course I took in Night School (Purchasing, Coaching, Procurement and HR) did not prepare me for all eventualities. I am grateful that I am so creative.

I suggested to Svetlana that she change her name to Natalie.

A personal note -What makes me a perfect HR manager

Parfait-Perfect

Just a short clarification.

Often I mention that "my dad said" and then I quote something in French.

My dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom was born in St Boniface Manitoba (that's in Canada). 

My grandmother was from Quebec and my grandfather was from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.

My Dad spoke to me in French until my brothers Frank and Ernest Ramsbottom were born. 

My sister Claire Ramsbottom de la Montagne does not speak one work of French!

My mother, Constance Ramsbottom, dislikes the French language.

My texting skills (400 words a minute on 3 mobiles simultaneously), my background as a senior secretary, my responsiveness (I solve all problems within 15 seconds of receiving a text),  the fact that I was a shift manager in a call centre, my deep love of people, my multilingualism and my hyphenated last time (I am single) make me a perfect senior HR manager and business partner. Mais oui!

Unbearable tension in Senior Management Team-Appreciative Inquiry to be Used

Our senior management team is non wow.

My coach (who also sells herbal medicine) told me to number my thoughts when I get overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed!

1) Our senior management team is having "sustainability" issues.

2) R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks impregnated our CEO Stan's daughter, Miss Carla. 

Yet Comrade Carl is close to our Chairman, Edward Montpetit-Maplewood, a fact which is considered Big Data.

Carla now lives with Carl.

3) After Stan and Wifey heard of this event, several new pictures were hung in our office. (These pictures were ordered bypassing our Supply Chain!)

4) Today in our senior management meeting, Stan said to Carl, "The only place you produce anything is in bed with innocent young girls". 

Comrade Carl bellowed: "You should lead by example, you fat slob-why do you have a private chef?" 

Carl was referring to K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein, Stan personal chef who prepares cost-effective lasagna. K Ray has mixed ethnicity.

5) I always look to my late Dad for advice. At our dinner table, when Mom (Constance) talked too much, my Dad (Pierre Elliot) would say "shut the f--k up, Constance, for Christ's sake." However, this seems "inappropriate" in a senior global management team meeting.

6) After the meeting, I took Carl and Stan aside. I agreed with Stan and Carl that sometime this week,  we will all watch a webinar on Appreciative Inquiry. My father would have disapproved of my actions. (I can hear him saying-"cut the cr-p Glo and get real")

Follow me on Twitter @GRamsbottom

Comrade Carl Marks protests about the new photos in our firm

New photo on Stan's wall, staring Comrade Carl Marks in the face.

CEO Stan heard that his daughter Carla had been impregnated (knocked up) by a certain Comrade Carl Marks, R&D Chief. Carla worked for  Comrade Carl this summer in Software Quality Insurance. However, it appeared that Comrade Carl and Carla were into "hardware", more than software.

Suddenly, new pictures were hanging on the wall of our firm. HR was almost not involved.

The above picture above was "introduced" to CEO Stan's room on the weekend; Wifey came in and hung it up. When Comrade Carl Marks sits "chez Stan", it is staring him in the face. Chez is a French word.  

The picture shows Kim Jon-Un's Uncle being escorted out, have been downsized by a North Korean version of Ms Cynthia Axe (my down sizer).

I guess Wifey may have wanted to give Stan and Comrade Carl a message.




Then Stan also "ordered me" to hang this second picture in the very office of  R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks. 

Comrade Carl called me into his office and yelled: "Gloria, yopt tvoy mat, who hung this in my office. What are they trying to tell me-kibinimat?"

I thought to myself. "Ostie, when Carl swears at me in Russian, I really get upset. It is against our English only policy."

Managing by Walking Around-the role of the HR lady

Stan doit se préparer

Stan needs to prepare

Last night, I closed my  Samsung Edge 7 for a few moments, (do not ask why) and when I opened it this morning, I had 34 texts from CEO Stan telling me of his plans to  manage by walking around". 

Here is one of the texts he sent me:

"Glo, Wifey wants you to brief me before I start walking around.  Send me a brief and detailed text which prepares me to walk around and manage, in line with our key values of No Surprises. Stan."

In order to prepare  Stan to manage by walking around, I shall emphasize 6 points:

1) His personal chef, K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein, should not feed him lasagna in the morning, because he eats like a filthy pig

(sale cochon ); the lasagna drips from his quadruple chin. Stan and I have never had THAT kind of global conversation.

2) Stopping by the desk of Cynthia Axe ( Head of Our Involuntary Early  Bird Retirement Program) and telling how how "valued she is and then asking her to "step things up" .....is not a good idea.

3) In Engineering, R&D, no one speaks English, so there is no need for him to "stray" onto the R&D floor.

4) All the company knows (it is big data) that Stan's daughter Carla cohabits with R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks.

Comrade Carl "knocked her up", as my late dad would have said. Stan needs to "put together a communication strategy" before he starts walking around. All over the company, folks have photos of a very pregnant Carla and Comrade Carl, with non wow comments scribbled in Hebrew, Tamil, Chinese or Russian.

5) When passing by the cubicle of Hugh White, the heterosexual white boy who runs Diversity, Stan should refrain from asking, "so how is the sex life of employees, White"?

6) When Stan meanders by Supply Chain, he must lower his voice when  asking "how many vendors have you driven into receivership"!

The sex life of employees is Hugh White's domain