Coaching Ms Cynthia Axe

Following the Q4 non wow results, revenues are being "adjusted" for 2017.  A certain Ms Cynthia Axe, who heads our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement plan, will have her white hands full, as we "right-size".

Hands full

In an attempt to blackmail me given her growing workload, Axe has recently complained of sore wrists, headaches and malaise. Malaise is a French word.

I  decided to preempt Ms Axe and reach out to her.

I gave Axe some coaching by text over the weekend and we solved 99% of the issues. (I am a certified coach, and I can use the letters CC after my name. Mais oui! CC is certified coach).

I shall give her a Blackberry Priv. Axe is American and it won't do her any harm to help my brothers Frank and Ernest, who work in Blackberry in Waterloo Canada. 

In line with her core value of blackmail, Ms Axe also wants to become a certified coach, so I am looking for a brief  course that will certify her in coaching, in line with my core value of co-opting her.

Here is the spec of the coaching course for Axe that I am looking for:

1-Brief (5 hours)

2-Wow

3-Discounted

4-Gives a  degree with letters to put after her family name, like MD or LLB.

5-Global and sustainable

6-prepare Axe for a PhD at a fairly unknown, but accredited, university

Talent management program

Axe to be deployed in Talent Management

False and dangerous rumors about our firm being acquired are all over the company! This is negative big data. Nevertheless- 
Stan told me we need to "start managing our talent better" so as to "drive up" our market value in the eyes of potential buyers. Here are the steps I have decided upon, in line with my core values of act first, think later.

1) Ms Axe will manage a talent management program, as well as her "other" responsibilities.

2) When/if we have "some more" revenues, we may build bench strength. We are looking for a carpenter.

3) As/if ever our company grows, we will "roll out" a succession plan.

4) We will measure talent management, hourly, daily, yearly, and then again daily.

5) People processes will be integrated into our business practices. The first process to be addressed is "post downsizing engagement of fired nerds", which we will outsource to a vendor in Turkmenistan, using a barter agreement. The vendor is learning English. We want fired nerds to have a Danish approach to life, ie happiness.

6) Performance evaluation will be enhanced based on intrinsic motivation and flexi goals, which are goals defined ex post facto.

The difference between coaching and consulting

                                                                             Mais oui!

Here is our quarterly directive to our Coaching and OD vendors. 

As per this directive, we may hire either coaches, or consultants. Please apply accordingly.

A) What is a coach and what is a consultant?

1. A coach deals with individuals. He/she is positive. He sets goals. Life is beautiful.
2. A consultant deals with irrelevant issues like processes, alignment and undermining HR.He/she sees problems everywhere.

1. A coach studied coaching, and perhaps carpentry and flower arrangement.
2. Consultants studied psychology, sociology and even community organizing. Some even studied organizational behaviour, which is absurd. Organizations roll profit, for heaven sake.  They do not behave!

1. Coaches use words like "sustainable and agile" all the time. They stopped using the words "TQM and re engineering."
2. Consultants use fewer buzzwords, because many of them have no work. However, consultants use the term big data but few know what it means.

1. HR uses the words "coach" and "consultant" consistently. HR detests both professions, as it were. Because HR business partnership provides answers for all needs.
2. Coaches and consultants use whichever term they need to, for heaven sake.

1. Coaches spell the work censor, as in "satire should be censored as part of HR police-Y."
2. Consultants claim that they are sensors, while HR is looking for censors, for heaven sake. 

B) Fees:

Our coaching/consulting fee is as follows: you will pay us $50 USD per each tender you submit, in the framework of HR as a business, partner.

Services we recruit are pro bono, which is not French.

Making Holidays Global-Passover is Cancelled

In the spirit of globalism, all tribal holidays will be unified into one lovely wow wow wow holiday; the date of this holiday is to be announced in a timely fashion.

Passover (a Jewish tribal holiday) is cancelled, starting immediately.

If I were Chinese (which I am not)+ I would not my hold my breath waiting for the Chinese New Year either.

Stan loves globalism.Stan also believes in diversity .Both  are key buzzwords, almost like sustainability, but not quite. (I admire Stan. When Stan leaves, I probably will  admire his replacement.)

Globalism and diversity work hand in hand and I sure hope that this creates sustainability, because our new products do not create sustainability, for heaven's sake.


Stan salutes globalism.
"To be global means not to be immobile" Stan

+ I was born in Moose Jaw, Canada.
 I now serve in a senior managerial role in Human Resources and I am an assistant professor of Coaching at an online University.

Monitoring and Sensing a nerd

I sense Stan well

Capitulating out of blind obedience to our great leader and CEO Stan, I have agreed that we need better sensors out in the "field" to know what our nerds think.

I shall recruit cost effective sensors of all creeds, disabilities and colours, under the guidance of my Diversity Manager, the white heterosexual named Hugh White, who is married to Comrade Ludmilla White, nee Khrushchev.

The goal of these sensors is to uncover what's really on the mind of the moody Sales folks who refuse to promote embryonic  product to potential clients.

Indeed, we need censors in many "junctures"of our company. What a word!

In yesterday's Design Review con call, I noticed we had a lot of mutual finger pointing and negativism about a potential non wow delay in an upcoming release date, which could greatly augment the work load of a certain Ms Cynthia Axe.

Ms Axe now leads our wow wow wow Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Plan.

After big data (I love this word) is gathered about why we have this negativism, I will meet with Stan about the role of the censors, which may entail:

a-provide data which will enable more "engagement" of the slovenly non wow wow  wow Sales Force

b-provide positive feedback to Stan.

c-Provide a plausible release date based on what hungry new recruits think is doable

d-provide good news to Stan and position HR as worthy of a seat at the table.

The discrete senors/censors will periodically meet Cynthia (Axe) to maintain their motivation.

Ensuring motivation

Stan's wifey read a Health Magazine

Stan landed in Singapore and sent me a text.
Wifey (Stan's magazine-reading wife) sent him an email about a wow company which takes care of people's health issues on site; morale is wow ;  sick days are down.

Stan asked me to roll out a program by April 1st.

The follow organizational announcement will be texted to all employees.

1) Our firm’s health is our firm’s wealth. "Stan"
2) HRs role is to enhance employees health whilst ensuring work work work life balance, in a cost effective manner in the spirit of humanism and sustainability.
3) Ms Cynthia Ax, Head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan, will finish (and begin) her degree next week in holistic treatment, and will offer anti-anxiety treatment to those invited to meet with her.
4) Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux will become a health coach, specializing in work therapy to aid hypochondria.
5) The menu in the dining area will be adapted to health and wealth-and will be aligned accordingly, whatever that means.
5) For those sitting at their desk with "piles" of problems, please consult Ms Ax for suggested remedies.

Adjusting costs-humanely

Stan read an article last week night, prompted once again by Wifey, ever the humanist.

The article (Have a Heart) prompted CEO's to ensure that even in tough times, cost adjustment is done so that the firm maintains its sustainability and attractiveness, "to ensure quality existence over time".

Stan texted me the link and asked for a timely plan to become more humane as we chop costs drastically this quarter.

1 Radio Switerland Classic will now be piped into Ms Ax's room, as she "executes" her ghastly RIF (reduction in force) program.

2 HR will prepare a email will all of Stan's inspirational speeches, which emphasize work life balance, and I will not use the term work work work work work life balance, because some people find it upsetting.

3 A webinar will be be commissioned on sustainabilty in our firm, based upon the establishment of a knowledge management portal, Stan's leadership, and Ms' Ax's Early Bird Retirement plan, under the auspices of SVP HR and certified coach, Gloria Rambottom-Lemieux.

6 HR will commision accent training  in order that we all have the same midwestern accent, so we can understand one another, for heaven sake. Each employee can get up to 3 hours coaching, at 200 Euro an hour, as a private axe-pense. The company will consider reimbursement 2 years after final collection our next release software release, which is still in the pre embryonic phase.

I am meeting with Wifey to get her to subscribe to the Economist.

Holacracy coaching

CEO Stan (in his infinite wisdom) sent me to become a certified coach.

The course (Advanced Coaching 898) was given by The Coaching Institute near the public school I went to in Moose Jaw Saskatchewan, which is in Canada. 

I could not attend the sessions, but I called in on Skype and also I got a Whatsapp file about what was taught in each of the 6 modules.

1. What is coaching in the context of wow wow wowism.
2. Setting Goals
3. Asking Bright Questions
4. Building an action plan
5. Follow up on action plan 
6. Moonlighting and Bar-tending

I came in first in the class; I was "born a coach". That is what my professor said.

Stan has now asked me to serve as chief coach.

He asked me to coach all the staff, except the management.

I also may be moonlighting a bit as well with my new skills- I plan doing end to end, specialized and general coaching on:

1. Sycophant Enhancement for the Ladies of HR and RH
2. Downsizing via Skype
3. Texting whilst Driving
4. Hiring by Whatsapp
5. Holacracy, Bureaucracy and Sloganeering
6. Digital Detox-Detox digitale

Holacracy coaching

Work together build our brand, Or Cynthia Axe will get you canned.

                                                   Passionate about data

Our beloved (and brainless, I must add) CEO Stan conveyed a meeting between Sales and Engineering to accelerate development and instill the Sales force with a passion to win.

(Stan loves the word passion to win, but Stan get passionate only when he deals with big data, which sexually arouses him.)

I told Stan this two way meeting would not be a good idea; however Wifey told Stan that she had read an article on Improving Communications written by a CEO, "just like you". Wifey prompted Stan: "Do it Stanley and have the "witch" Ramsbottom help you".

I would describe the meeting as a semi non-wow.

My coach told me to "speak numbers" so, here is how the meeting went from a numbers point of view:

1. 5 people swore.
2. 7773 pieces of  nasty (not nice)  feedback were exchanged.
3. 2 pizzas were launched. They included anchovies and pepperoni.
4. Stan said "shut the f--k up and listen to me" 30,000 times.
5. Ms Axe's name was taken in vain 600000 times. Cynthia has a reputation problem.
6. HR was praised once, by me.

The meeting ended when 4 Russians swore in Russian, the white sales team walked out, and I muttered "tabernacle" in French, which my grandmother (from St Boniface) used to say all the time.

Stan sent me a text and demanded some "follow up action, in a timely manner". Here is the plan to "further leverage" what went on on the meeting:

1. A joint mission statement between Sales and Immature Products will be "released" tomorrow.
2. A webinar (90 seconds) on "Listening Skills" will be launched in a week.
3. Disability Training will be delivered to clinically depressed Sales Team.
4. We will have a magician come in this Friday and get a smile on peoples' face.
5. HR will post one thousand posters: Work together build our brand, Or Cynthia Axe will get you canned.

Get you canned- C Axe

Agile Sustainability Platform

Ms Axe's mutterings

Our sustainability platform will be rolled on next week, with "knowledge management" serving as a key "piece" of this  platform.

Here are the cornerstones of our "ongoing commitment to sustainability".

1-CEO Stan's leadership sustains us in hard times. "Our cup runneth over." +

2-Hard work sustains our families.

3-Innovation sustains our Immature Product Division, But for heaven sake, these useless bums need to get a product out the door.

4-The distance of the cost effective parking lot from our main building sustains our health.

5-HR fosters a sustainable culture of niceness, compliance, hard work, harder work, work weekends if needed, and work work work work life balance.

6-Cost effective webinars sustain our vendor-less OD policy.

7-Morale is sustained by being nice. Being nice is sustained by HR, OD and our local chemist (pharmacist)

+muttered by Cynthia Axe

Knowledge Management as an Enabler of Early Bird Retirement

Knowledge Management arouses me

In order to enable part of our staff to enjoy the benefits of our "Early Bird" Retirement Program, we are implementing Knowledge Management, starting next week. 

KM is HR's domain, just as much as Big and Medium-sized Data is in IT's domain (in close cooperation with HR).

CEO Stan has asked that the Knowledge Management  function will create sustainability, which is the best buzz word I have ever heard. 
When Stan uses the word "sustainability", he gets very.....well...almost aroused.  Personally, I get aroused from Internet of Things.

I am looking for a compliant, pliable, cost effective, OD vendor (native language English-with posh British accent) to prepare a 2 minute webinar outlining how to implement knowledge management "in a timely fashion", whilst explaining how KM contributes to sustainability. 

The vendor should be nice, civil and must  emphasize that no jobs will be lost "for the time being" as we transfer knowledge to portals.
Preference will be given to vendors who have fluent native English speakers  based in Tajikistan. I want a vendor who is very cost effective. The vendor shall pay me a management fee..

CEO Stan ask that Knowledge Management be "driven" by Cynthia Axe, since it is a "recruiting enabler" for Early Bird Retirement.

Be nice to Stan Week-and be nice in general-for heaven sakes

Next week is Stan's birthday.

He will be traveling (first class) to Singapore (then on vacation in Samui). In Spore, he is meeting with our less-than-fully-happy client vis a vis (that's French) our latest software release, which was wow, but not wow enough. (Imho Immature Products Division folks are useless scum.)

On Facebook, LinkedIn and other heinous venues that  HR cannot control, there has been some "not nice" comments about Stan, Ms Ax, HR and our Virtual Parenting Plan.
I feel shame at peoples' behaviour, so we are taking corrective action, "in a timely fashion."

1) Starting today, we all need to be nice to Stan. Which means respecting him and showing dignity, working 14 hours a day, and not losing the new work work work life balance smartphone.

2) Praise Stan publically and in the toilet, whilst talking on the phone, especially when Stan is managing by walking around.

3) Kindly refrain, if you can, from commenting on Ms Cynthia Ax. True, she has her faults (she and Stan appear well coordinated) and she is  not swift  and "timely" enough, but she "tries harder" than most (Down) Re-sizing Managers to keep a smile on everyones' face, via humanistic-driven resizing.

4) In general, please be nice. Smile, be polite, refrain from not being nice. We will soon have a new webinar on "How to Succeed via Avoiding Controversy". A cost effective compliant OD consultant will monitor this.

5) HR wants you to be happy, not only nice. As do most OD consultants, except the trouble makers, who over charge. We can refer you all to a chemist (pharmcist).

A open post to OD vendors for 2013

Dear OD vendor,
As the financial year opens I have been bombarded with requests for work.
Here are the outlines by which we operate in "commissioning products" from OD vendors.
1-Stan and I beleieve in vendorless OD. For heaven sakes, is making the organization work not the job of HR?
Howver, there are exceptions.
2-All of our RFP's are reviewed by Procurement first, then passed over to Ms Cynthia Ax, who screens them for quality. Finally, I do a content review. I always hire 3 vendors per issue, so that competition between vendors drives performance and cost effectiveness.
3-All interventions must be wow. Wow means-laughing, smiling and "Glo, that was gr8?" after the session.
4-Interventions start at 1800 (6pm) and end at 1830. Interventions are comprenhesive and have action items. We strive for 5 action items (before tax).
5-Vendors should have a mid western accent; if they have tribal or exotic names, they should have a user friendly nick name. For example, Pierre should be Pete. Victorina Bella should be Vicky Bell. Allon should be Alan. Paco should be Frank. Frank should be Ernest.
6-Vendors should be aligned with HR. The HR logo should be on their handouts. They should thank me before and after a session.
7-Vendors should always explain the important of a work work work work  life balance.
8-Problems should be solved, not discussed, for heaven sake.
Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux.